Ever since I remember I was gay. Ever since, being gay was a taboo in my family. I broke it.

I always had big trouble with my closest when it came to my sexuality, my way of life, the fact that I prefer dicks. When I was younger, merely naive to be honest, I was convinced to solve that big mistake of mine. For the good of family life. For mom and dad. I was wrong. 

How could I solve a problem when there was just a big question mark in my head? I felt stupid not understanding that I am perfect the way I am. Feeling more and more awful, miserable and unloved I searched for acceptance.

But instead of showing me love and acceptance I was cast out from home and started looking for love in toxic people. Random love. Moments of love and joy. I needed to live it out. I wanted it. I was young and hungry for it.

I don’t speak to my family for a couple of years now. But I still have a sharp memory of that moment when I left my family. It was a rainy afternoon when I met my mother for a coffee. I wanted to talk to her about family issues and also tell her about my new bf back then.

It didn’t work out the way I had hoped and instead of being a mother trying to hold the family together she blamed me for being the main and only problem of everything bad that happened. Voilà, I am the problem. Again? Still? When she asked me what else in life I wanted to achieve than being gay, I felt a strange energy in me. Somehow as if there was my guardian angel taking control of the situation. Before I even understood what was happening I found myself outside the coffee shop. I left. And I cried like a child in the middle of the street. Thanks for that.

The following period was full of struggling moments. I never learned to love myself and was confronted with many situations where I was unable to decide whether to take care of myself or aiming for love of people who will never actually love me. Having been emotionally abused still is something I need to accept and handle. Old patterns needed to be excluded from that moment on. Toxic people needed to leave. I got rid of so called friends, got rid of some bad habits and things started to change.

Main thing changing is myself. I can now say that I somehow start loving myself. Accepting yourself with all your flaws and faults  gives you the possibility to see and focus on your strengths. I knew that I would need help and couldn‘t fix all by myself. I was strong enough to start a psychological therapy. After a certain time of doubting that this could really help, I now finally have those aha-moments. They keep me reminding of what I want, what‘s important to me.Because yeah, this is my life and I rule.

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