When I was a kid, I had a favourite thing to wear. It was a skirt, a red
silky night skirt. I had found it in my mother’s pajama draw one day and was instantly obsessed by it. The soft touch, the shiny fabric, the wavy movement. It was like magic to me. From that moment on I wore it where and whenever I could. It felt so good. I would wear it while watching my favourite movie on repeat, while I gave my parents a karaoke show in the windowsill or while I polished my rocking horse with baby wipes to make it shiny. Looking back, I think it might have been my personal version of Dorothy’s ruby slippers. It was like home.
Sometimes, my mother would let me where it out. On these occasions she would do my nails to match: red and glittery. We would then take a stroll to the shops and on our way home we would stop at our local café. I would check the menu diligently, even though, at that age, I could not read. And when the waiter asked for our order I would very confidently say: I will have a strong orange please…
I think I have a playful personality. In the past years I have started to cultivate this energy with more awareness. I experience this playfulness as a sexual force that drives me through life. And I enjoy sharing this energy on many levels with different people. What energy, fantasy or physical connection do we share? On what terms do we meet? It is flexible and in motion.
So, I have this playful and open side on the one hand. It makes it easy for me to see things in perspective. I think these characteristics save me. Because on the other side I am profoundly serious, stubborn, analytical, protective, insecure and have high standards. A perfectionist. I can over think every action I do, get mentally fixated on a negative thought or feeling. In the past, this has stopped me from trying new things or expressing myself. For a long time, I have felt ashamed of this serious or ‘negative’ side. It can make me seem hard, intolerant, and uncomprehending. Things I don’t want to perceive myself or others to perceive me as.
It was when I came to this realisation, that I was basically taking my image way to serious, things started to change. I really started to challenge myself by inviting this part back into my life and accepting it as a part of me, embracing its power. It is an ongoing process. I still feel a lot of insecurities. But now I am learning, that by acknowledging them, they don’t have to shape me. I just try to react honestly and intuitively as much as possible and not to give too much of a fuck about what people, or I, think of myself and others. I frequently ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen?
In the end, I am learning to understand both sides of my personality. Only by doing so can I truly be myself. Working my way through shameful patterns on my way. Learning and playing with whatever comes on my path.
The last years the colour red has re-entered my life and with it this memory of the silky red skirt. It reminds me of the little person I was. I have often questioned myself, where did that little one go? At times I have felt this part of me lost completely. Now, slowly, I am experiencing my full history, including this little fellow, with in me.