“Let the fools out of Daniel, who loves you, loves you as you are!”, Words from my best friend (Ana María) when I told her how I was trying to change who I was, to improve my relationship, which finally fell apart. It plunged into a deep depression, from which I believed I would not recover, and it was the reason I left the country, far from everything and everyone. I felt that nobody knew me, that I could not be myself because when I was young I learned that no one was going to love me or accept me for who I was.
I lived with my family’s rejection of knowing that I am gay. And I spent 32 years of my life working hard to be an excellent professional , hiding my mistakes, my fears, my instincts. I was a person loved by many people but nobody really knew me. Even when they started accepting my homosexuality, there were other limits: how I should behave, how I should dress, how to greet, not show that I was gay in front of other people, have a serious relationship because I was already over 30. I was tired of acting, of accomplishing achievements and successes, because they didn’t fulfill me, I felt lonely and empty; misunderstood.
So, that’s why I came to Spain. I didn’t know what I would find. I just needed to get out of my hometown; every day I woke up without the desire to live, I thought that my whole life was going to be the same day after day. And when I arrived to Spain I found that life could offer me an unexpected turn. I finally found that peace, that stability, and moved away from the idea that having someone special was essential. I felt completely cured of love because I conceived it as a disease, and I didn’t want to feel it again.
When I realized that, I met him in a place I couldn’t imagine, in a “sexparty”, on December 8, after a party of more than 12 hours. The first time I saw him he had no clothes, he was completely naked and without any shame. We introduced ourselves, and he asked me if I wanted to go to his house after telling him my heartbroken story. we didn’t go to his house and we spent all the afternoon together, I will not say it was love at first sight because it took us months to feel something towards each other, but his blue eyes, his look …
Contextualizing, I came to Spain from Colombia. I had to quit my job, my family, my friends, I had to left my master’s studies here, and I was completely lost, searching for myself. At that time I had nothing, or well, I had everything, I had me; that was the only thing I could offer him. The biggest characteristic that caught my attention of him, was Albert’s blue eyes because in the place we were, it was dark. Even when it was dark, his eyes looked incredibly blue, and when he said “Daniel, when are you going then?”, at that specific moment when he mentioned my name, I felt he knew me, it’s something I could not explain.
Although the beginning of our relationship was very hard, especially for him because I am his first partner, we learned to be the best team. He is a person who completely lacks of evil, he is a good person, but like someone who has learned how to differentiate and chose to be good after life has shown him evil; He is really good. And when he sees me, he can see my real essence, nobody else sees me like him, and he loves me with my flaws, he loves me for who I am and for what I want to be, he accepts when I am wrong and when he is wrong.
I told him all my life, good, bad and funny things. As well, I told him about my family, friends and everything that it was my previous life. He is my best friend, my best company, my toughest critic, my hottest lover. And I love him as he is, he is not perfect, he leaves his clothes everywhere, he takes a long time in the bathroom, but the sun had not shone in the way it did before I am with him. From Now I could live thousand lives and thousand suns, because love is so great that gives you happiness capable of filling every bad or good moment. He laughs when he has to, he shouts whenever he wants, he dances all the time, although he doesn’t do it very well. Above all, he understands me.
I don’t know how long this will be, one or ten years, my whole life, but I won’t hide who I am again because now I understand that what Ana told me that day is true and possible. Now I show myself as I am, and whoever loves me, must love me as I am, but if it is not, that person doesn’t deserve to be by my side, I would not stop being myself, because I already had everything and I had nothing, and I always had my essence. All these things are very important to me, and now I can go forward in my life. I believe that if you love and accept yourself, you could have the power to love other person.