When you grow up in an environment where the norm is not to show the slightest sign of weakness, the slightest emotion you have to appear to be strong, to be better than the others. Never be satisfied with yourself, you could always have done better.
In this context, a social, loving, intimate relationship with another human being is not the easiest.
I grew up alone in my corner and I was fine like that. In my late teens I discovered social contacts, my first emotions. I understood what people expected of me and I served it them on a platter, leaving a few bumps and bruises behind.
I have become accepted, respected, envied, popular.
Of course, no one suspected that I was permanently keeping all my emotions deep inside me and that doubt and stress gradually invaded every part of my body and my soul.
Is this person here for all the good reasons, will they leave me overnight, am I good enough for them, will they realize that deep down I’m empty.
In this context, considering sex is like considering an exam. Am I going to live up to expectations, am I not going to fail ?
Physical contact is difficult for me, it is an exposure and a danger.
Don’t be mistaken, I love sex, it just takes me longer than my friends to feel comfortable and to abandon myself.
These last years I started working on myself and I’m getting more and more familiar with it, I’m starting to discover and explore with pleasure this part of me.
But habits die hard, typical questions like “What do you like? ” or ” What do you want ?” Leave me speechless because I still do not know what to answer.
I still walk blindfolded towards the unknown but I begin to see the light.