Looking back at my childhood, I recall a fantasy world tucked away at my grandmother’s house, garden and attic, balancing with the harsh, cruel outdoor world where I was bullied at school as a kid. It continued all through elementary and secondary school, where the tougher guys with loud voices would call me names and made fun of me for being different, being queer, being gay. Actually for being myself, but at that time acceptance from my peers would be more valued than being confident with who I really was.
The constant fear and spotting where the danger would come from, are feelings that still chases me until this day. The doubt of not being good enough, fitting the mold or comparing myself to others became normality. It formed me and I feel it present in my sexual life every day. I’m in a really happy relationship. And part of it is discovering what my real urges are. Together we find a balance with other men who make me feel vulnerable. What I feel in my guts is a sexual need to please.
The look of a strong man. The smell of a man. The touch of a man on my skin. The touch of my tongue on a man’s nipple. My sensation is alert when I get a vision of a well-formed nipple on a muscled chest. That’s what I long for and that’s the first thing I’ll go for when the parties restart.
After being an elementary teacher, I became a school principal. I suffered a burn-out and found my purpose again in coaching new teachers. As a resilience coach I help people to find the strength to go through. Giving back and supporting others makes me feel worthy, needed and that I matter.
Things I learned:
I believe in honesty! We might all have a hidden agenda but only honesty will bring us to the next step.
CommUNIcate! It’s all about U aNd I: first the other, then myself.
It’s important to think about what you have to offer, your boundaries and your needs. Keeping those balanced will bring you further in life. It’s a winning triangle.
Don’t just “let it go” but learn to “accept without guilt”.
Self-compassion is a gift you can only give yourself. I’m still learning to block out my inner critic. Let go of my troubled past in school and move forward and bring something good to the next generation of teachers. Self-compassion exists by noticing what’s difficult (mindfulness), knowing you’re not alone (humanity) and actively taking care of what you need (mildness). Personal development through books and study and the support of my amazing boyfriend turned me into an optimistic person.