The Gemini syndrome, or when Dr Harold meets Mr. Harry.
Whoever said that men can never change was not completely right. They evolve over time, learning from their own experiences or mistakes, even.
I am a Gemini and though I do not know much about astrology, I totally feel I have a dual personality. But ask my husband, he would certainly confirm that if you have any doubts.
I fully identify with a famous character from the 2004 TV show, Bree Van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives. And my personality surely evolved from the very conservative and uptight Bree from season 1 to the more open-minded and liberate one from season 8, showing more shadings of own character than the merely insanely perfect one I had always been.
But in real life, it took me 15 years to reach and achieve this last side of myself.
Let me introduce you to Harold: for many years, I have been the perfect gay friend turned gay husband, the one all our straight friends, turned couples, were happy to have at their dinner parties as we were the “straightest of all gays”, fun (some would even say flamboyant) and entertaining yet “decent” and totally out of the gay scene.
The “gay scene”, that I remember watching from the terrace across the street from its busy bars, miles away from thinking that I would ever, one day, be part of, somehow, even if still with a light distance.
Then came the forties; the famous and scary forties with its expected crisis. And… well, it was not a disappointment: a massive weight loss was the first revelation. Like many of us who are not afraid to admit it, we never quite see ourselves, physically, as who we really are but more a fantasized version of who we would like to be.
Now let me introduce you to Harry: I opened up mentally and became the least judgmental person you could meet. Least judgmental, but with strong opinions still. Am half French from a strict and well-educated family. After all, you can never totally take away the Bree sleeping within me.
I opened up sexually too, trying to reinvent myself through new adventures.
And it took the initiative of a dear friend who introduced me to the gay scene of Berlin; it helped me in that sense. I guess being in a different city means you can be a very different person. Everyone knows Berlin is very gay and historically home of many fetish bars and clubs. I guess it took a few trips to “gear up”, really. And one day a visit to the local leather bar, (where I was the only “textile” one) with my leather friend to witness the limits you want to allow yourself to reach… or not.
But aside from the aesthetic, men who have experienced wearing a leather harness, other fetish clothes or accessories could confirm that you can really become another man the minute they are on. And my docile personality was all of a sudden enhanced by those black and silver ornaments. Pictures would show a very obedient side of me when, actually, they transform me in someone quite dominant, at times. But I am very versatile when it comes to playing. Because it has to remain a game, after all. And my huge turn on always comes from the manliest of men who are not afraid to let themselves show their most feminine side. Because, and to quote two leather men that I chatted with in a fetish social event one day, “aren’t we all a bunch of sissies pretending”. (Note to myself: turn this into a T-shirt, one day).
But it the meantime, I’d rather believe that exploring that side of my sexuality does not make me less of a man… just a little more Bree… but you can pick from which season if you ever meet me one day!