After the lockdown, I just couldn’t look at my body in the mirror anymore. I gained so much weight and was very ashamed about it. As soon as the gym reopened I found the motivation to go on a diet and also worked out a lot. I managed to get visible results very quickly and felt more confident.

During the summer I took a week off and I decided to go to Mallorca on my own to focus on myself. Just me, the sun and the beach… I wanted to discover the best beaches on the island and was waking up early to get the best spot. And I couldn’t have found a better spot the day I visited Platja de Muro. I walked along the beach for a while and I found that guy alone having a sunbath. I settled a few meters after him. He and I couldn’t stop looking at each other.

He was of average height, had thick dark hair, and a short beard… Instantly I felt excited, horny… A lot of feelings at the same time. In 2020, sex and nice encounter were rare. A year before it would have take time for me to take off my tee-shirt. I never liked my body but for a few weeks, I was kinda proud of what I had achieved. I took off my shirt and jumped into the clear blue water. The sea was warm and still. That guy followed me and we started to play by looking and smiling at each other. A sensual game started in this idyllic location and that was probably one of the highlights of the year. This encounter was brief but intense. I felt alive for the first time in a long time….

That experience has become distant memory now. Currently, my mood is changing quite often, from one day to another I can be super happy or sad and insecure. Looking back at the time when I worked so hard to lose weight so that I could feel better about myself. The truth is that the doubt was always there. Losing weight gets people’s attention and remarks, 80% of them will be positive the other 20% won’t be. Some people will look at you and tell you to eat more, that you lost too much weight, others will ask if you’re mentally ok or if you feel good. When you have this insecurity, that 20% of negative reactions will take the lead on your mental health, and unconsciously, you’ll start to eat more to create an image of a healthy person.

Body insecurity affects many people, especially in the gay community. We are evolving into a very superficial community where body image is the key to connect, to fuck, to make “friends”…Since I was a child I have struggled with keeping up my body image. I know I’ll have to be careful about what I eat and go to the gym my all life. Will I fail? Of course, I will. But each time I’ll learn a new lesson. This time I want to feel better, in my body and in my head, purely for myself for my own sake.


Leave a Reply