Hi. Im Lee. Short for Leandro. Born in Brazil ages ago… ha
I grow up in a very conservative and religious family and in a country that did not think much different. The considered “right and wrong” was very clear at very early stage of our lives. My family always loved me and I always tried to do my best to give back all the time and effort given as well as to not disappoint them all.
On the personal side of things, I was a shy person. Most of the time I use to be uncomfortable next to men in general! Different to women… I could enjoy their company a lot, play and chat with them all day long… Was that something about me only?
And that is how I grew up. But at age of 10 onward I noticed that being with girls only was not giving me a “good” reputation between colleagues at school. I got a bit conscious about it and consequently I decided to withdraw myself from social interactions instead of facing the criticism…
It made me an alone child, spending most of my time on my own and trying to vent my physical and emotional energy being mischievous most of times… my mom and the ones that looked after me at the time would be able to tell you all my “adventures”…
At the age of 12, with my 2yo brother showing interest for dolls and girls clothes, it started to disturb me as it was almost a mirror image of my premature internal conflict, not well known or developed at the time. I ended up asking my mum for counselling! My brother and I (separately) ended up with taking therapy at early ages of life… And I’m so glad for that because it was really my saviour… I was getting very unhappy with the pressures of being different…
After a few years of counselling, feeling much better and lighter about myself, I decided to follow the path chosen as the “correct” path established by my family and the society around me… At the school I went, an excellent school in my city, no one was allowed to behave differently or track away from the “correct” way… looking back it was a very regimented school I have to say…
Then my university life began and I started to find my own self slowly… I felt like all the other new colleagues and friends seemed very similar to me: sensitive, art lovers, caring, understanding people that for some reason or another they all knew their own emotional weak point and fragility… and that made me so happy the feeling of mutual support between us all…I studied there for 5 years, developed my self steam, met a few girl friends and felt that I was on the “right” track…
But I always, always knew something was still not right inside myself… I have learnt to put a good facade to a very conflicted mind and soul.
At age of 25 I decided to adventure myself away from home… It was my first attempt to “run away” from my conflicted life… I went to the USA to learn English and make some extra money… I was so happy there. But much of it was due to experiencing the freedom away from any ties I had back home… and there was the first time in my life I allowed my real “dark” feeling to touch the surface… that was a huge step having a very quick intimate contact with another man. It felt amazing and terrifying at same time… breaking rules imposed to me by myself… I actually run away for it at the end and made sure to forget what happened on one of my last days in the USA… Of course it never left me, but was only kept somewhere in a little dark corner!
Then I had to go back to Brazil but going back to my origins was not pleasing me. Quickly I decided to travel more and my next destination was England, where I live now. I carried on my language learning process and saved some money to travel. They felt like the best days of my life have to say… I met so many good people and had a lot of fun… but all within the “correct parameters” established by myself to myself… an heterosexual man doing what is right…
I was living in Swanage working as a residential sports teacher at the language school. There I use to teach Latin dance to all the kids and staff coming to the summer holiday language school… and in one of those classes I met the woman that later on I would get married to. And I don’t regret that decision! Actually I think I’m so so lucky to have met that woman: she is pretty, intelligent, smart, carrying, good company for all times… I could go on forever… a prefect partner that anyone could ever ask! We married in 2006 and as a natural flow of life we had two lovely kids. They are the joy of our lives and the most important thing for me now and forever.
Family life carried on and I promised myself to be the best father I can be to my two kids… In 2017 I felt the need for some personal changes and to meet that urge, I decided to change jobs… After what I believed was going to be a good move, my new placement decided to make me redundant 5 weeks into the new job… You can imagine now how a father of 2, with bills and mortgage to pay, felt like, how stressful it became. And it made my head and thought spin like mad. Consequently I started asking myself : “who am I really? How happy am I? How much have I achieved so far? Have I really been honest to myself and the other around me?” and so on… but the two main questions that would not leave me were: “why can I never feel comfortable with any male friend or in a presence with another male?” And the second question was a funny one depend how you read it: “if I was going to die today, how many people would come to my funeral?” – not that I was trying to take my life but i was trying to measure how alone I was…
It felt like I needed to review my actions and decisions of my entire life…
From that I started looking back and realized how much times I have wasted so far alone. It includes a lot of nights in front of my lap top looking at gay porn websites, desiring a night or so with some of those amazing hot models. Also, have to confess how many times I have had a quick glance at guys getting changed in the locker rooms next to me… or even discovered a few little glory holes in public toilets where you can see amazing things from there. They were all little tactics to bring myself closer to the object of my desired…
From this point onward I thought I could not carry on a life of lies, at least to myself and I started finding ways to get closer and closer to it… a few encounters here and there after downloading one gay meeting app to my phone. But all of it made me very anxious… I had to learn quick how a gay world works. Felt very different to the straight world I was used to. I needed support and guidance and someone to share my life story. I ended up opening myself to a friend from the swimming pool. In fact he became my very best male friend, the one that I never ever had before! He is and will always be my “protective angel” that was sent to help me on what would become the worst stage of my life: coming out!!!
It has been a very difficult process for me. Having a family that I love and depend on me, all the decisions need to be weighed. I’m lucky in one way that I was very welcome to that new world. I have met a lot of good people on the way. I’ve learn my values, my potentials and strengths… and despite I haven’t got throw the “coming out” process yet, I try to have the right attitude about it.
One thing is certain, I love my homosexuality and wish everyone could love theirs too!!!