Mathieu from France

I am not that type of person for who it is easy to tell a story about him self. Sharing my story with someone is like an open heart surgery, it gives me cold sweat. 

I remember a date a asking me to tell him a story about me. I asked him to start, facing the struggle to answer that question. Anyway let’s try something. 

I don’t have major traumas. Just a normal life, with smiles and tears. 

As many people, I have been bullied at school. 

My parents got divorced few years ago, bringing up old stories, and I have recently lost my nephew. Those are the traumas of my life, in a certain way. 

Why « in a certain way », because I like to think that those events « made me », they taught me a lot of things. 

In general, I am just looking to live in harmony with myself. So far, I think I am doing it pretty well. I still have few old demons I am fighting with, but somehow I am learning to live with, and to love them. 

Self love was/is something quite hard for me to get. I am a person paying attention to people’s feedback. I tend to think that I created a part of myself with other’s feedbacks. I was trying to do like everybody, I didn’t wanted to be different. I was living for acceptation of others. 

It has been few years now that I am trying to redefine that part. It is and it will always be part of me. I just want to minimise it. 

Difference is a good thing, and it is normal. At the end, I think we are all different. Society is just made of stereotypes, that we follow sometimes,  just to be part of something. But Does it have to lead our life ? No. 

By learning self-love, I m learning to love loneliness too. 

I used to feel lonely a lot. I was filing that emptiness by dating quite a lot and hookups. Honestly I was looking for someone to give my heart a reason to beat. I was scared of being lonely. After a year abroad, toxics relationships, and the quarantine, I m fine with the fact of being home alone. I actually like it. At some point, I think we are all alone sometimes, I mean we are alone with our thoughts. Loneliness is a fact sometimes, not an issue. Connections with other must be here to enjoy life, not to escape our fear. 

All that process I was going through made me realise that I wanted to settle down for a bit. Indeed for the past few years, I have been moving a lot. I lived twice abroad. Living far from home were probably the two most beautiful experiences I have lived so far. I will probably do it a third one. Never 2 without 3, as we say in France. But not now, I don’t want to. Moving around the world is really cool. It is probably the start of the self love process but I am now lead as well by a professional motivation. I would like to accomplish my self on that side as well. Create something, create my version of work. 

Anyway, writing was an interesting process. Not my favourite one, but interesting. I felt like what I was writing will be permanent, wrote with a marker. It scared me to be honest. Words can destroy someone, they are one the most powerful knowledge humans have. 

SEE MORE PATRON CONTENT: MATHIEU