My grand grand fathers flew away from Spanish fascism to the south of France. They were poor people, farm workers. They fought to find a better life, for them and their children (one of my uncle is disabled and need specific treatments), and they did.
I grew up in the 90’s in a very tolerant and left wing family. Religion, politics, society, nothing was taboo. My childhood is full of challenging discussion with my parents and grandparents about everything, forcing me to think and forge my own point of view.
I am really lucky to grew up in such a family, not very classical one, now I realize it.When I was four, my parents broke up, but they agreed on something: they had a child together and regarding him they will always do everything needed together, and they did.
My mother found a new man, who raised me with his previous 2 children, who became my brother and sister despite any blood links. My father had 2 other wives and one son with each. Finally, I had 4 brothers and 2 sisters! A big complex family. Complex for others, because for us everything is clear and very fluid. Even my father’s children feel very close to my mother’s children…
This is my fucking amazing modern family. They teach us very early having more brothers and sisters do not mean less love for each but more love for all. This will never left me, and before I am aware of it, will probably be the foundation of my way to love as an adult.
RISE AND FALL
Lot of my family was working in the sport field and so I made a lot of sport, mainly swimming and horse riding. First member of my tribe to reach university studies, I decided to become a scientist, a biologist. Skilled and talented I quickly went to the capital to enter one of the best schools: l’Ecole Normale Supérieure. I met my boyfriend Samir in the first months, he was a pharmacist student, smart and clever, looking like a cute Oriental Prince, I was in love.
When I was 24, visiting my family in the south, with my boyfriend. My father’s parents were already old (and died since), despite of their kindness, I never told them I was gay. A morning, the phone rang, my grand mother, a very small Spanish speaking woman was speaking to me before I had time to say anything: “cariño, queremos verte, no importa con quien esta, queremos verlo y conocerlo también. No importa nada sino que somos tus abuelos por toda la vida, ven a comer, te amo mi nene.”
I was in tears. I am still now while writing this. I miss them and will never be thankful enough for all the love they gave me. And not only them, all my family.
I made a come back in the pools and quickly took responsibilities for my club, one of the oldest and biggest LGBT sport clubs: Paris Aquatique.
After 11 years living everything together, after fighting to take our revenge on our birth social status, we moved in a wonderful apartment, big, a lot of cachet, in Paris center. He had a very good situation now and so do I. We definitely were at the climax. Problem, I wasn’t happy. Very strange and disappointing feeling.
When you got everything you always wanted, everything you worked for but this did not lead to happiness. Like a math equation we all learn, I filled in all the blanks and variables like society told me, but the sum wasn’t happiness. What was happening? I was just lost. What is wrong with me…
I began to hate everything, hate my relatives, my friends, my boyfriend and finally myself. That was not possible anymore. Then I thought I needed to stop all these and take some time to understand what was happening inside me. We broke up, I changed position in my company, started a psy therapy (over now) and refused a new mandate from my associative responsibility.
A NEW LIFE
Now I am exploring, feeling free to decide what is making me happy or not. I probably accomplished my 20s’ as a perfect student, perfect son, perfect boyfriend… but all this is not a guarantee for happiness. I plan to find a part of my life abroad, I always loved foreign culture, languages and nature. I am exploring a new way to love, closer to my inner feelings and way of thinking: I am polyamourous. Wasn’t easy but I felt in love with some people, some left me, some are still there with me, exploring this with me, loving me (I hope). Isn’t it amazing? I am still surprised and proud of it.
For 3 years we are building unexpected and unknown way of loving each other and making projects of life. It is not more or less complicated as monogamous relations, it is different. A lot of news questions arise while previous ones faded.But I feel better, everyday more.
I don’t know what tomorrow will exactly be and look like, but what I am sure now is I will be the only one able to solve my own happiness equation.