The more comfortable I became with my sexuality over the years, the less sexualized I became in expressing myself on a daily basis. Sex is not a big deal to me anymore and I think that is because I am not uncomfortable with it in the way I used to be. Being sexually active used to be this foreign, dark, painful and anxious thing for me, because my upbringing completely detached me from my body and mind and their needs and desires.
On an emotional and intellectual level l was torn apart, my puberty left a couple of deep, bleeding cuts. My sexuality was severed from the rest of me, but somehow – and I still haven’t fully understood how – I managed to heal and become a fully functioning person. The opposite of feeling pain isn’t feeling amazing, but rather feeling at ease. When something doesn’t hurt anymore, all the energy you usually had to invest into withstanding the pain is now free and can be invested constructively.
That’s what I mean by “it not being a big deal anymore”. I reclaimed my sexuality and made it a part of me, so I am not preoccupied with the struggle of being torn all the time. I think a lot of homosexuals tend to become excessively sexualized, once they find a way to access their sexuality. It’s a countermeasure that they resort to in order to fight the fact that sex has been so inaccessible to them for so long. I am not sure if that’s a universal truth, but this certainly applies to me and also to a lot of my friends and peers. While straight people don’t have to go through these kind of struggles, gays and lesbians have this extra obstacle to overcome, before they can start to realize themselves freely and live their lives.
There was a point in my life, where I wasn’t able to work anymore, because I was mentally and emotionally very unstable and had to take a break from my career for over 2 years. That happened, because I finally hit that obstacle of sexual repression. It took me forever to get myself sorted and once I was fine to work again, I realized that not only had my career been put on a long hold for me, but also that my entire career up until my involuntary break has always been inhibited by me not having resolved my issues. I had always sold myself under my worth, as I didn’t believe that I wasn’t really worth it. Life isn’t fair. I am privileged enough to be able to tackle my issues but not everybody is able to do that. As much as I want to complain about how unfair everything is and point out all the injustice, I do realize that it won’t lead anywhere.
What I can do though is to share my story, and I encourage everybody to do the same. It was extremely helpful for me to be able to speak to other people about what I was going through and I also still benefit from sharing my story, because I need to precisely verbalize my thoughts and feelings, which is always a good exercise. I am currently studying something completely new and I am very excited, because for the first time I feel like I can fully invest myself and give 100 percent. I am thrilled for everything that is to come and more importantly: I feel ready to really go for what I want.