The last year hasn’t been a good year for me. I’ve been feeling down during a big part of it. I was not happy with my professional nor my private life. I was less and less satisfied with what was happening around me and I didn’t know where that would lead me. One year ago, I was still living my best life, teaching in a school I loved, with students I really appreciated. I was single, but i didn’t really care about it. I was living with my best friend and we had so much fun, every day and every night, telling everything to each other, watching movies, travelling together.
Then everything changed. She moved out to live with her boyfriend, and I had to find another flatmate. Unfortunately, I didn’t get lucky. My new flatmate is awful. No need to tell all the details about his rudeness, his dirtiness, his stinkiness… but the last few months were definitely not the best at home. I took every opportunity I got to get away, go out with friends, stay over, etc.
Then, at work, things got complicated too. The school became what you can literally call a « dust-bin school ». Students got worse, the atmosphere at school got worse too, some of my work buddies decided to quit.
With all this, i started to feel quite depressed and gained almost 10 kg.
My body changed very fast, the way i looked at myself too, I didn’t recognise myself anymore and I didn’t like what i saw in the mirror. I grew a belly. Some would call it a dadbod, some would call it fat, i juste felt like a pregnant lady. And i didn’t like it. I was always trying to hide it behind large clothes, i even stopped going swimming because i was ashamed of what i looked like. Being on instagram with all those perfect pictures, those perfect bodies didn’t help. Most of the accounts I was following made me feel sad about me, about my life, about my body.
Then i decided to change things. I started to unfollow all the accounts that didn’t make me happy or made me feel bad: all the « influencers » and so-called models or sports related accounts. And i started to follow new ones about body positivity, about self love, about travelling, about new ways of teaching around the world. I started running again and decided to change and think positive.
Even though i’m still not a fan of my body, i am now okay with it. I am convinced that every body is beautiful in its own way. I also met a guy that’s been very good to me. He kept saying that he liked me, that he liked my body, that i was beautiful the way i was and that i didn’t have to feel bad about what i looked like. He helped a lot. I know that I still have a lot of work to do before feeling perfectly fine with my body. I’d still like to lose some weight, but I don’t want a « perfect » body anymore.
I also decided to quit my job and my flat at the end of June and i’m planning a big Canadian road trip with friends during July.
New place, new country, new job, everything is going to change next year. There will be a lot of challenges, but i feel like I am ready for it and, most of all, very excited.
During all that time, Chris, the instigator of this beautiful project, asked me several times if he would ever be able to take naked pictures of me. I have known him since about two years and i already posed for him at the beginning of the project. At that time, the models kept their clothes on.
When he first asked me, i replied that i put on some weight and i wanted to lose it before doing it, that would make me more comfortable. Especially when i looked at all the guys that were part of the project. They all look so beautiful, with amazing bodies, i was afraid of looking like the fat guy in the band. Then i noticed that it kept on going and i wasn’t getting any skinnier. He asked me again two, three, four times, and i always found an excuse. Until a little more than one week ago. He asked me again, and i thought: « alright let’s do this! My body is not perfect, but fuck it! Let’s put some body positivity inside the project. And if people don’t like it, well, nobody will be forcing them to look at my pictures. Maybe it will help other guys, like me, struggling with their little belly, always feeling down because of it, you never know! ». So i did it, and Chris has been very sweet and caring during the whole process. He made me feel comfortable and we had some good laughs. And even if i was still a little shy, after two or three minutes, i already forgot the fact that i was naked.