I’ve always called my mind both the most beautiful place imaginable and the worst rotten hell you’ll ever experience. It can give me so much joy and energy but the next moment beats me and drags me down in a hole where extreme self-criticism rules and the will or ability to stay happy is a very unattainable goal. This inability to see the positive is the only thing in my life that is blocking me from reaching my full potential in life.
I constantly feel fear. Afraid to be too dumb. Afraid to be too smart. Afraid to say something wrong. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to get too fat. Afraid to disappoint people. Afraid to be too much. Afraid to be too little. It is so exhausting. I wish i could turn it off. But i guess then again it can be used for good sometimes. To always push myself further. I just wish it wasn’t so painful sometimes.
Music is my main bitch. Music is my love. She’s my brother and my sister. It’s the only fuel that can shoot my so-called mind-train into the stratosphere off to lovely alien beaches with white sand and green sea or purple grass fields with a perfect seat for me to gaze at whatever is above me en just enjoy the view. The only time this mind-train isn’t running at a crushing speed.
Everyday i find a new piece of the puzzle of my life and it is frustrating sometimes because it takes me such a long time to figure out where to put that little piece on the table of my life. For every puzzle piece i find a place for, 3 new pieces appear and so on, and so on. That can get really discouraging sometimes but when i look at the picture of the puzzle i have so far so i’m never giving up. This sounds really cheesy but i am not a vegan queen so bring on the cheese, bitch.
I had a hard time writing these texts because my inner bad voice tells me that the things i have to say are not interesting. I haven’t been through that much hardships, i haven’t really experienced inequality, i haven’t been physically or verbally attacked… I know that these things don’t make a person interesting but that is why i said it was my inner BAD voice. It makes me insecure about the privileges i have experienced in my life, which is crazy. Because this is something i have to celebrate and use for the benefit of others.
I wish i was comfortable with myself as a kid I hold myself back in anything it is such a shame i didn’t go all out, all crazy all the time. How i would’ve loved to go dancing, acting, drawing, singing as a kid. To be openly gay in high school would’ve made the experience so much liberating to me than the fucking shit hole it was. I could’ve been like: “Yes i’m gay, and what? What are you going to do about it, Susan?” That would’ve been cool. Not that i knew a Susan.
My favourite moment in my life is the moment where i decided i am going to actively try to not push myself to the side for other people. I stopped thinking i was too feminine, too fat, too quiet, too nerdy… I just wanted to do what makes me happy and that really showed because i became so much happier. And the gag is that people like you even more when are being yourself, while before you push your true self to the side because you want people to like you.