It all began with my coming out to my mother. I did that pretty early at just 11 years old. What I’m actually really grateful for, because I know that it can be a very stressful experience for other people. When I confessed to my mother she simply started laughing that I’m too young to know this. But I knew. I knew that I secretly enjoyed watching naked men and I knew what I was dreaming about.
That allowed me to be the real me. But in a small city like Pardubice there were naturally some other peers who didn’t like anything and anyone different, so I got through the typical school verbal and even physical abusing leading to a fear of going out and crying through the nights.The transition to a high school meant a new start. I could choose a new identity, choose people who I want to be open with and I learned how to filter all the stupid negativity from others – which is a very handy tool to have for your life.
But I was suffering there. I felt emotionally surer of myself then others and I had a urgent need to find the love of my life (which was obviously not coming). I was devastated. But it made sense – when you are 18 years old you have a lack of experiences needed for a stable relationship. You have to be burnt, you have to win some battles which leave some scars on you, you have to go through hell. In short, you need to walk this path on your own. Am I right or am I right?
Then I moved to the capital Prague because of my college degree (which I ultimately quit anyway). I was trying to rush my life as fastest as possible – having date after date, sex after sex – just to meet as many people as I could to gain those necessary experiences and to make sure that I won’t miss my prince on a white horse. I was so naive.
At this pace even Prague got quickly smaller, I felt like I knew almost every other gay man and not a single one was suitable for my dreams and fantasies. I even tried a three-way relationship twice.Loneliness – my biggest dread. I couldn’t handle being with myself alone. Free weekends was my enemy. Thanks to my good friend I quickly realized that I was never searching for a love, but for a need to be dependent on someone!
Everything started changing roughly a year ago. I found stable work which I find worth in. I tasted a magic of night life and parties and because of that I met so many great friends which I can even call my second family. I also met some friends who do drag so I was introduced into this amazing alternative way of living life where it is completely acceptable to be whoever and whatever you like.My life took turn and since that I have no time for being lonely. I enjoy my free time and peace. But most of all, I can finally for the first time in my life say – I’m HAPPY (and love is not needed).
