The most important thing I learned is to never stop learning.
And that there’s so much more to learn than academics.
Brussels gave me a job, it gave me a chance to discover who I am, it gave me a queer family, it gave me love in so many new forms, it gave me everything I never had and didn’t know I wanted. And yet it fed my depression, it gave me heartbreaks, it gave me the pain of seeing friends leaving, it shook my world apart and
and that is life, isn’t it?
I had a modest upbringing and fought my way up winning scholarships and that’s how I got to see the world outside my hometown. I used to like what I could afford and told myself I didn’t like whatever wasn’t in my reach. It was self-defense. I am the product of my environment, and since moving to Brussels I’ve felt free to live so many lives that I’m almost struggling to keep up.
Day after day I lose a piece of my armour and take a step in a new direction with a little less fear and a little more confidence.
And that’s exactly the life I want right now.
There have been plenty of experiences that broke my certainties, one of them happened in a darkroom. I had only been in the party scene for a few months. I never enjoyed partying when I was younger – but back then I hadn’t known any queer parties, I didn’t know other gay people. That night, it just so happened that I met someone on the dancefloor, and something clicked. I learned what it meant to feel desired. He brought me to the darkroom, I barely knew what that was. Yes, I was open minded, yes, I was open to discovering, yet I was partly still prejudiced toward the whole idea.
Even after decades, the Catholic guilt is hard to suppress at times. The thing is, I can’t forget that night. It was the night where I found out for the first time a more submissive side of myself. It was a night full of erotism. That night, I discovered how many things can happen in a darkroom, including the longest hugs. It was a night of bondage and slaps, but it was also a night of cuddles. I felt safe. Later on, I felt a bit all over the place emotionally – but the highs come with the lows, and I’ve been learning to handle those feelings because they make this life worth living.
A life of kindness. A life of dancing. A life of empathy, of ecstasy and euphoria. A life of first times, so many first times. Biking through the park. Kissing boys on a night out. Taking a walk on the beach in winter. Going home with a couple. Swimming in a lake. Hugging in a darkroom. Shifting the whole meaning of love and friendship to accommodate whatever feels right. There are no templates, there’s no one way to define anything, labels are there to help those who need them but won’t restrict the nature of human relationships. I am living.