For a long time, I was a child with lots of fears. I was always very introverted and scared of the most simple everyday situations, in desperate need of my comfort zone. It was never easy for me to make new friends, socialize with other kids or adapt to sudden changes.
when I grew up and started realizing my sexual orientation wasn’t the one expected by the society around me, that added a new layer of fear and complexity to my already poor social skills.
As I was a teenager afraid of suffering, I banned myself from showing the real me to others, so I got used to not speaking about certain things and became very hermetic. That made me become an adult at a very early age. I used to take refuge in music, video making, and drawings to calm down my anxiety and let my mind fly away.
But when I went to university, with a new environment, new people, and more grown-up minds around me, I started being open about my sexual orientation, and it was one of the best feelings ever.
I had my first experiences with men and I unleashed a part of me that was always there but I had banned to develop for so long, bolder, more playful. I found sex was liberating, and all those parts of me that had remained hidden now could be free in intimate and sexual situations.
So even it was a very liberating process, I got to a point where I was drawing too much on intimate sex to feel comfortable with myself. It took me years to understand I was using it to escape from my fears. I may still do sometimes.
Even it’s a constant learning process, I got rid of most of my past fears thanks to people close to me and knowing people with similar life stories. That contributed to putting my sexuality to a much more healthy place in my mind and feeling much more empowered as a person.