PHOTO BY @jvlianmerlo & @leanvazquez
I always remember of feeling ashamed when I had to take my shirt off on the beach and stood in front of one of my cousins who had a “good body”. I was convinced that I would never have a body like his.
I grew up with a group of straight guys to whom I always compared myself because they had “the body” which I believed was necessary to have. That’s why I never wanted to take my pictures without shirt during my adolescence, for fear of being the one that stood out for the wrong reason, for being different physically. Often, I felt confused regarding to my body image. People were saying to me “but you are not fat” although I wasn’t convinced that I had the “correct” body.
The only moment I felt comfortable was when I became an adolescent and began to discover my body. On Saturdays between 2 and 4 pm while my parents were taking a nap I could go to the backside of the yard and masturbate calmly without nobody noticing it. I remember the sun and thinking about all these persons that I saw in the school and on the Internet, it was the only moment when I was not looking at the mirror to see if I had this body that I dreamt of, only witness was the sun.
Before finishing the high school, I began using websites to see and be seen on webcam. I got to know many people who, same as me, had issues with their body images. Later I went to college, without knowing that it’s was not abnormal, being myself. As time passed by, I had the opportunity to know some friends who took beautiful photos of me and helped me to stop the confusion I had since young about my body. I saw myself in a picture naked or semi-naked. The difference is that now I decided not to listen any more to this inner voice that once told me “it is not sufficient” or “other people are better”.
I met my first boy at the exit of a club. I was about to go inside the club. Then I saw him and liked him immediately. I wanted to be with him. Without thinking, I went to greet him, not knowing how he would react. However, after some chats we walked together, and later found ourselves kissing on the street. I invited him back to my house. We had a very beautiful intimate moment. I don’t remember his name now, only his face. After that night, I’ve never heard from him again.
Shortly after that, I started to meet guys through applications for occasional dates. I enjoyed meeting strangers because I felt that in a sexual encounter, I could act without limits and be more authentic. So, I met many boys, each one with their own games and fantasies. I could enter in their universes and meet them there, where we could both make decisions and have fun.
I remember meeting this guy who fantasized about role playing and he wanted me to be his psychologist and he my patient, as well as another one who wanted me to fist him very hard before going to work, or the one that had to be humiliated to achieve orgasms so I had to tell him all the rude things that he wanted to hear to, even hitting, choking and spitting on him.
These experiences made me realize how we all hide a part of ourselves. By opening up, we had the possibility to let the other enter in our worlds.
I started to meet people through the fantasies we created and the desire that drove us to meet. This led me to build more lasting and affectionate relationships with some people, creating a special bond and being able to live incredible experiences beyond a single encounter.
I believe what makes many relationships work, -like mine now- is the respect for the privacy of the other, that each one can have their own space in addition to what is shared, don’t invade that place and neither let the other invade yours, instead always take care and be present for the other.