The Hidden Barbies

In a small village in the heart of Germany, I hid my Barbies from my father as a child. Not out of defiance, but from a fear I couldn’t yet name. Our house was filled with tension and violence – my father was abusive toward my mother, and both of my parents were so consumed by their own problems that there was no space for a child who was already different.Inside me lived a boy who wanted the life he felt – equal parts feminine and masculine. But in a world full of rigid structures, where homosexuality was taboo, and in a home where survival meant staying invisible, I felt trapped in a straitjacket. Being different wasn’t just shameful – it was dangerous.I knew early on that I was gay. And with that clarity came shame – a feeling that shapes me to this day. Shame for being myself, amplified by an environment where showing any vulnerability could make you a target. I escaped into fantasy worlds that became my refuges, small worlds where I could finally breathe, where violence didn’t exist, where I could be safe and whole.


The Path to Freedom That Wasn’t

When my parents separated and me and my mother moved to the city, new doors opened. I graduated high school, went to Leipzig to study, had several relationships. But I continued hiding from my family – out of shame for myself and fear of being recognized as gay. Until I couldn’t anymore.My family eventually accepted it, got used to it. Today it’s completely okay. But the shame remained. It transformed, became more specific, more cruel: shame about being sick, having sexually transmitted diseases that “gay men just get.” About dying of AIDS. I was afraid to get tested. So I tried to drown the fear in alcohol.It worked for one evening. The next morning, it was back. So I drank more.


Berlin

I went to Berlin because I knew it was the only place where I could find people who could help me. People who had experienced the same things I had. People who could mirror me. But Berlin also led to my escape into alcohol only intensifying. We all know Berlin.In this city of supposed freedom, my imprisonment paradoxically intensified. I was surrounded by people like me, but more trapped than ever in a cycle of shame, fear, and numbing. Everywhere I looked, I saw gay men who seemed to have everything I longed for – muscular bodies they wore with pride, an openness about their sexuality that I could only dream of. They moved through the city with an unapologetic presence that made my own hiding feel even more suffocating.I envied them with a intensity that sometimes took my breath away. Not just their bodies, but their freedom from the shame that still lived in every cell of my being. While I was drowning myself in alcohol to escape who I was, they seemed to celebrate it. The contrast was devastating – and it drove me deeper into the bottle.I drew my self-confidence mainly from validation through the men I had sex with. I was actually satisfied with my body, but this self-confidence was fragile, dependent on external recognition, on desire. I used my body to get validation and numb pain, without really listening to it or appreciating it. All the while watching others who seemed to have mastered what I was desperately seeking: self-acceptance.What I didn’t understand then was that even the most perfect body, the most sculpted muscles, the most confident exterior couldn’t protect someone from shame and addiction. The very men I envied were fighting their own battles, carrying their own wounds. A beautiful body can be just another mask, another way to hide from yourself. The real work – the work of truly accepting yourself – happens on the inside, not in the gym.


The Point of No Return

Then came the moment when everything became crystal clear: I stopped drinking and smoking because I knew it had become life-threatening. I saw how my body was changing. And I witnessed a friend getting sick. Three mirrors that showed me where my path was leading.When the alcohol was gone, I could suddenly feel again what I had done to my body. I realized that I had been far too selfish with myself – not lovingly selfish, but destructively selfish. I had kept going without looking, without listening, without feeling.


The Silence After the Storm

Berlin without alcohol is a different city. The same streets, the same places – but suddenly I heard the rustling of trees in the early morning hours, the conversations of people on the subway that I had previously drowned out. My skin became thinner, my emotions lay exposed like raw nerves.Without the constant fog of nicotine and alcohol, I suddenly felt real tiredness again, real hunger, real joy. It was as if I was slowly awakening from years of numbness. Sometimes it was overwhelmingly beautiful, sometimes painfully intense.


Before Chris’ Camera – A Farewell

When Chris photographed me a year ago, I was ready for something I couldn’t quite understand at the time. The photo shoot was more than just creating images – it was a farewell to my old body. A farewell to the Lars who had abused his body to numb pain and find validation.Standing before Chris’ camera, naked and without any mask, reflected what was happening inside me: shedding old habits, showing myself in complete honesty, the willingness to be vulnerable – but this time from strength, not from desperation.During the shoot, something magical happened: I felt truly present in my body for the first time in a long time. Not hidden behind substances or seeking validation, but simply there. Present. Alive. Reconciled.


The Realization

Since this encounter with Chris and with myself through his camera, I have learned that the body is the home of the soul – and therefore worth protecting. This realization changed everything. My body was no longer just an instrument for gaining pleasure or suppressing pain, but my home, my temple, my responsibility.The Lars in the photos will soon belong to the past. The old, self-destructive me will be history. The images document not just a moment, but a transition – from destruction to healing, from escape to acceptance, from shame to self-love.


To You

If you’re reading these lines and recognize yourself in my story – whether in the shame, the escape, the search for validation, or the courage to start anew – know this: You are not alone. Each of us carries wounds from childhood, societal conditioning, fears of being different.Perhaps you recognize your own hidden Barbies in my story – the parts of yourself you thought you had to hide. Perhaps you know this longing for a place like Berlin, where you could finally be yourself, only to discover that freedom there also holds new traps. If you’re currently trapped in a cycle – whether alcohol, other substances, or destructive behavior patterns – allow yourself to recognize: Your body is the home of your soul. It deserves protection, love, and respect. From yourself. The journey to oneself begins with the courage to look. With the willingness to be vulnerable. With the decision to show yourself – as you are, not as you think you should be. Sometimes we must first completely expose ourselves – before a camera, before a mirror, before ourselves – to discover who we really are. And sometimes that’s the moment when the real journey can finally begin.

PATRON CONTENT: LARS

Hello everyone, as the year is coming to an end, I want to share the new issues of taleofmen zine 16 & 17 as a yearly tradition. Somehow it means a lot to me to make it happen, knowing that the taleofmen project still has its relevance and value. The kickstarter project has been launched today and will run until 30/12. Please take a moment and check it out. Back the project and share it with your friends if you want. Thanks!

Check the kickstarter project here.

Tale of Men is a photographic storytelling project created by Chris Chi in 2017. Born from a desire to see real, unfiltered stories of gay men represented with honesty, dignity, and tenderness, the project combines portrait photography with deeply personal narratives. Each story is shared in the subjects’ own words, capturing human experiences that are often unseen or misunderstood.

Over the years, Tale of Men has grown into a vibrant community of people who believe in the power of vulnerability. Through its zines, fine-art prints, exhibitions, and community events, the project creates safe spaces for men to share who they truly are — their joys, struggles, bodies, relationships, and identities. Many stories explore topics like love, self-acceptance, intimacy, and living with HIV, helping to break down stigma and replace shame with connection.

This Kickstarter supports the next chapter of the Tale of Men project: a new edition of our printed zine, featuring original photography shot on film, authentic stories from contributors around the world, and a commitment to continue building bridges between people through art and compassion.

By backing this project, you are not only supporting independent queer storytelling — you are helping preserve a space where gay men can be seen, heard, and celebrated.

Growing up, I never imagined I’d find comfort in my own skin. I was shy, always blending into the background, feeling like I didn’t belong. Teased for being effeminate since I was six, my late puberty only added to the bullying. My voice didn’t break until I was sixteen, and I was pale and underweight. The teasing for being gay hurt the most, because it was something I couldn’t change, unlike my appearance. Their words stayed with me, deepening my insecurities and leaving me constantly self-conscious about what others thought.

At 16, I decided to change things. I started going to the gym to build confidence, but also to gain approval from the world. I wasn’t one to follow the crowd, but I longed to feel accepted. The gym became my refuge, where I could focus on what I could control. Over time, it gave me discipline and pride, though the social anxiety didn’t go away.

My journey took a turn when I discovered nudism. As I learned more about it, I became intrigued. It wasn’t about appearances; it was about freedom, equality, and embracing your natural self. I joined a nudist Discord group, where I could try naked yoga. I was very hesitant at first, as I didn’t want to expose myself to random strangers online. However, I took a leap of faith, and I enjoyed it so much that I continued naked yoga for quite a while, and also building connections with other nudist gay men from around the world.

My first in-person nudist event was an exhibition by the Belgian Naturist Federation. Walking in and undressing was nerve-wracking, but I quickly got used to it. That event was a turning point, introducing me to a supportive community. I actually got to know a lot of people from all walks of life in a short amount of time, and made many friends. Nudism helped me shed not only my clothes but also societal expectations. I stopped seeking validation from others and started valuing myself for who I truly am. Vulnerability became a strength, allowing me to connect with others in ways I never thought possible.

Now, I realize that by gradually confronting my fears, I began to desensitize myself to the shame and vulnerability that had been tied to my self-image. This gradual exposure helped me challenge the negative beliefs about myself that stemmed from past trauma. In addition to exposure, nudism also encouraged self-acceptance and self-compassion.

When the chance to collaborate with Chris came, I hesitated. But then I thought about how far I’ve come. This wasn’t just about posing for a magazine; it was about celebrating my journey from a scared, insecure kid to someone who could stand tall and proud in their own skin. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that true freedom comes when we embrace ourselves fully, imperfections and all. In doing so, we find not only acceptance but also the courage to live authentically, no matter what the world thinks.

SEE MORE PATRON CONTENT: FREDERIK

16 years together (and hopefully many more to come)

We met as students, never imagining we would spend the next 16 years (and hopefully many more) together…

It all started with a meal at a fast food restaurant, followed by a drink at a bar… We didn’t even kiss that first night, still unsure whether the attraction was mutual.

A few months later, we graduated at the same time, then began our professional lives… with the goal of moving in together one year after our first meeting.

We grew and evolved together, traveled, met people, and developed shared friendships…
Our relationship grew and evolved just as we did. We were enriched by the people we met during our travels. One trip that left a particular mark on us was our trip to California, summer 2018.

We thought we were going to a karaoke night at a bar in San Francisco, but it turned out to be an underwear party.

A first for us… We left that night a little less innocent than when we arrived.

Later, in Los Angeles, on a street corner, we met three guys with whom we ended up spending the entire evening bar-hopping.

We met up again over the following days and formed a friendship.

Many of our friendships were born from spontaneous encounters, while traveling, at a bar, on a beach…

Though initially uncomfortable with public nudity, we eventually learned to enjoy naturist beaches, spas, to feel comfortable in our own skin, to embrace our bodies and feel free and uninhibited.

Many years later, this past January, we took part in our first social naked gathering, in Antwerp. It was a wonderful discovery for us, full of great encounters and the beginning of new friendships.
That experience led us to host a similar event in our own home, for the first time.

It was a very meaningful experience: coming together, sharing, and getting to know one another in a different context.

16 years later, we continue to have new experiences and discover new things about ourselves and our relationship. It’s incredibly enriching and stimulating.

We realize we’re living our best years : we feel free, proud and happy to be gay, comfortable in our own skin, we try to enjoy every day and every moment to the fullest.

SEE MORE PATRON CONTENT: ANTHONY & THIBAULT

The patron content is only available for patrons of Tale of Men. You can become one here.

Tale of Men project was born out of my passion for photography and storytelling. As it grows, the cost starts to mount. You can help the project stay alive by becoming a patron or purchasing the Tale of Men magazines. Thank you!

The patron content is only available for patrons of Tale of Men. You can become one here.

Tale of Men project was born out of my passion for photography and storytelling. As it grows, the cost starts to mount. You can help the project stay alive by becoming a patron or purchasing the Tale of Men magazines. Thank you!

Coming out is often portrayed as a daunting, scary moment in a gay man’s life. A moment filled with fear of rejection, and uncertainty. For many, it can be an emotional minefield, a quest for acceptance by their friends, parents and, most importantly, by themselves. My story, however, is different. It’s a journey of early acceptance, open conversations, and a supportive environment that allowed me to embrace my identity as a gay man from a young age.

As I moved into my twenties, I observed a big contrast between my journey and that of many other gay men. The early coming out shielded me from the prolonged periods of uncertainty and self-doubt that haunted and isolated other young boys. But there ’s another side to the early acceptance as well.

Since my coming out was so early on in my puberty, my pure sexual desires hadn’t been
awakened. I hadn’t come further than a first secret kiss, a clumsy mutual first hand job and a first attempt at topping. Also in my early twenties, I grew up in that same heteronormative environment where I felt that I was accepted, as long I colored between the lines. There were some adventures here and there, but nothing like the extravagance and sexual liberty of what was shown in the series and movies I watched (in secret).

The real sexual awakening only occurred when I met my (now ex) boyfriend. He faced a whole different path. He grew up as one of the guys, and lived truly a double life where, to the public, he was a traditional straight guy, but secretly met up with other (older) gays, frequented gay saunas, and had dates on high way parking lots. He only came out in his late twenties, but the scale of the secret life had taken such a magnitude, that he lost himself in it.

When we met, I really had no clue of the so called sexually liberate gay scene that was home to so many struggling gays. Through our relationship, I learned to give myself over to my sexual desires and shed the self shame, the expectations and prohibitions I felt when I was a teenager and young
adult.

I discovered that I had both a dominant and submissive side to myself. A certain dominance where I get rock hard from spitting in someone’s mouth, thrusting my cock in a throat, slapping someone’s
butt and loading my sperm in a hairy hole. But it was more my submissive and feminine side I embraced during that journey. Servicing a big cock with my mouth while jerking off another one, getting fingered and penetrated by a throbbing penis, even two at a time. Getting pounded hard And asking for more. Putting on sexy lingerie, sniffing lines, popping pills and burying my tong in
hairy cheeks. A side that I until then, never dared to show but was hidden away. I learnt what I liked, what I didn’t like, I tested my boundaries and crossed them to a point where I couldn’t recognize myself any longer..

When the relationship ended, I went back to my old habits, and surrounded myself with my heteronormative (straight) friends and found myself back in the safe environment. I locked the black dildo, the red thong, the anal beads and the jockstraps into a hidden box, together with the sexual awakening.

Unlike many gay men who face rejection and loneliness, I navigated my teenage years with a sense of freedom and authenticity. This open and affirming environment was a privilege that I never took for granted. Although the hidden desires are stored in a box, I feel, as I am becoming older, less self shame about the horny teenager I still am and about the lusts I have.

Times like these – I try to let my guard down and let myself live in the moment. Not crossing my own boundaries, but playing on the edge of them. And who knows, who makes me put on the red thong again?

My dear queer slut chimera body

My body is a territory. A place traversed, claimed, gazed upon, desired, sometimes rejected
but always there. I’ve hated it, corrected it, staged it. I’ve sculpted it, abandoned it, offered it.
I am queer, I am a slut, and my relationship with my body is a polyamourous story of
liberation.

Being queer means being exposed from the start: to the outside, to norms, to gazes. From a
young age, I was made to understand that my body didn’t fit in the right boxes. Too
effeminate, too thin, not strong enough, too expressive. Too visible. I was taught to control it,
to hide it. But soon enough, I realized that my body would be my first tool of revolt. That I
could reclaim it, show it, offer it according to my own rules.

Being a slut, for me, isn’t a provocation. It’s freedom. My body is a space for pleasure and
connection. I love sex, I love touch, I love intensity. My body allows me to explore, to feel, to
exchange, to forget sometimes. It is the place of a language that only touch knows. It is
alive, vibrating, open.

But this relationship is also full of contradictions. There are days when I look at myself and
doubt. Moments when I don’t feel good enough, not beautiful enough, not young enough. My
body carries fatigue, the marks of time, the accumulated scars. It carries the memories of
wild nights, lonely mornings, unfulfilled desires.

And yet, I come back to it. My body doesn’t lie. It guides me, reminds me that I’m here,
present. It makes me vibrate, laugh, sweat, tremble. It is my anchor, my refuge, my stage.
Every intimate encounter is an act of affirmation: I am here, I feel, I desire. And I no longer
apologize for it.

Being queer and a slut is also political. It’s existing against the grain of what’s expected,
against the patriarchy, the hegemony. It’s refusing shame. It’s giving value to what others
would reduce to “too much.” It’s making the body a manifesto. I fuck, I love, I feel: these are
my soft weapons against the cis hetero normativity.

Today, I try to love my body with more tenderness. To treat it as an ally, not an enemy. To
respect it, even when it gets tired, even when it doubts. It has allowed me to survive, to exist,
to love. It is imperfect, but it is true.

Also, in the eyes of my partner, my body is perfect.
Queer, genderfluid, fem, slut, playmate, a lot of proteiform identities.
I’m a chimera.

SEE MORE PATRON CONTENT: VICTOR

I watched him standing silently on the hill, the late afternoon sun casting a golden glow behind him, silhouetting his figure in a striking contrast. His masculine body was perfectly sculpted: defined arms and legs, a light fuzz of hair in just the right places, each detail subtly revealing itself. He was grasping his erect cock firmly, slowly moving his hand. Sometimes it was just a dark outline, sometimes you could see more of the body. The scene was so mesmerizing, that I found it impossible to look away. I just couldn’t. You could never get enough of it.

It has always been cocks. Male beauty, but cocks in particular. It’s not always about explicitness; sometimes it’s simply curiosity, a silent intrigue that draws me in. Strangely enough, this curiosity predated my full awareness of my own sexuality.

I don’t remember exactly how old I was, probably around primary school age, when these feelings first began to take root. We had a collection of old newspapers stored in the garage, and I would often spend hours flipping through their pages, driven by simple curiosity. One particular memory stands out: reading a letter from a father, grappling with his son’s decision to come out as gay. I remember thinking at the time, “Wow, I’m so glad I don’t have problems like this.” Little did I realize that, someday, I would be confronting similar questions myself. Thankfully, my family has always been remarkably accepting, and I am grateful for that. Another find in these pages was a reprint or a fragment from Artur Żmijewski’s thought-provoking project, “Eye for an Eye.” Żmijewski had photographed men with missing limbs, yet those missing parts were “recreated” by other men standing together, an act of transformation and resilience expressed with stark honesty. I was very young then, not fully aware of my particular tastes. Oh boy, I didn’t know at that time I’d be into bearded, well built hairy men, but I remember feeling an intense draw toward these images. Their raw, unstyled nudity resonated deeply within me. Polish critical art movement of the ‘90 in its finest. I can still smell the musty, earthy aroma of that garage.

Oh, yes, and the smells. There’s nothing better than an attractive man wearing really good perfume. I wasn’t into perfumes until I discovered some higher end ones, and recently I’ve been dipping into the niche perfume category. Really expensive, but definitely worth the experience. Some smells alone can be dreamlike and put you in an ecstatic realm. Having a sweaty, hot and horny man before you, sprayed with some rich composition makes this almost unbearably ecstatic. Atmosphere becomes combustible.

Male beauty is an evergreen subject for me. I can never seem to get enough of it, whether in photographs, films, or in real life. Ironically, despite this persistent admiration, I’ve rarely explored this subject directly within my own art practice. I tend to focus on abstract concepts and universal human emotions, yet somehow I’ve never touched this subject. Was it because I didn’t want to fall in the category of a clearly queer artist? Or because working with live models makes me anxious? Will I ever get back to making art? Working full time leaves me with no time for the things that I love. So I keep living in these fantasies.

SEE MORE PATRON CONTENT: MICHAL

The patron content is only available for patrons of Tale of Men. You can become one here.

Tale of Men project was born out of my passion for photography and storytelling. As it grows, the cost starts to mount. You can help the project stay alive by becoming a patron or purchasing the Tale of Men magazines. Thank you!