Coming out is often portrayed as a daunting, scary moment in a gay man’s life. A moment filled with fear of rejection, and uncertainty. For many, it can be an emotional minefield, a quest for acceptance by their friends, parents and, most importantly, by themselves. My story, however, is different. It’s a journey of early acceptance, open conversations, and a supportive environment that allowed me to embrace my identity as a gay man from a young age.
As I moved into my twenties, I observed a big contrast between my journey and that of many other gay men. The early coming out shielded me from the prolonged periods of uncertainty and self-doubt that haunted and isolated other young boys. But there ’s another side to the early acceptance as well.
Since my coming out was so early on in my puberty, my pure sexual desires hadn’t been
awakened. I hadn’t come further than a first secret kiss, a clumsy mutual first hand job and a first attempt at topping. Also in my early twenties, I grew up in that same heteronormative environment where I felt that I was accepted, as long I colored between the lines. There were some adventures here and there, but nothing like the extravagance and sexual liberty of what was shown in the series and movies I watched (in secret).
The real sexual awakening only occurred when I met my (now ex) boyfriend. He faced a whole different path. He grew up as one of the guys, and lived truly a double life where, to the public, he was a traditional straight guy, but secretly met up with other (older) gays, frequented gay saunas, and had dates on high way parking lots. He only came out in his late twenties, but the scale of the secret life had taken such a magnitude, that he lost himself in it.
When we met, I really had no clue of the so called sexually liberate gay scene that was home to so many struggling gays. Through our relationship, I learned to give myself over to my sexual desires and shed the self shame, the expectations and prohibitions I felt when I was a teenager and young
adult.
I discovered that I had both a dominant and submissive side to myself. A certain dominance where I get rock hard from spitting in someone’s mouth, thrusting my cock in a throat, slapping someone’s
butt and loading my sperm in a hairy hole. But it was more my submissive and feminine side I embraced during that journey. Servicing a big cock with my mouth while jerking off another one, getting fingered and penetrated by a throbbing penis, even two at a time. Getting pounded hard And asking for more. Putting on sexy lingerie, sniffing lines, popping pills and burying my tong in
hairy cheeks. A side that I until then, never dared to show but was hidden away. I learnt what I liked, what I didn’t like, I tested my boundaries and crossed them to a point where I couldn’t recognize myself any longer..
When the relationship ended, I went back to my old habits, and surrounded myself with my heteronormative (straight) friends and found myself back in the safe environment. I locked the black dildo, the red thong, the anal beads and the jockstraps into a hidden box, together with the sexual awakening.
Unlike many gay men who face rejection and loneliness, I navigated my teenage years with a sense of freedom and authenticity. This open and affirming environment was a privilege that I never took for granted. Although the hidden desires are stored in a box, I feel, as I am becoming older, less self shame about the horny teenager I still am and about the lusts I have.
Times like these – I try to let my guard down and let myself live in the moment. Not crossing my own boundaries, but playing on the edge of them. And who knows, who makes me put on the red thong again?