Throughout my life, I’ve always learned to keep quiet. As a child, my goal was to be well-behaved, avoiding any fuss and expecting things to go smoothly so I wouldn’t cause trouble.
As children, we feel invisible, as though we don’t matter. Our voices are silenced by the expectations others impose on us. It’s a shame to carry that mindset into adulthood. It’s a trap.
As I grew up, I continued to be silent, without an opinion of my own, forever carrying this terrible anxiety inside of me that I couldn’t understand and was consuming me. As things worsened, and I lost all sense of myself in the process of trying to be accepted and loved at any cost, the bittersweet embrace of drugs found me at my lowest.
Drugs seemed amazing. They became my escape—my everything. I finally felt free, happy (I thought), and able to hide behind the euphoria, pretending I had no troubles. I even found the courage to (want to) say to every single one of my exes: “Screw you! I hate what you did to me! I’m finally picking myself up again, and the drugs are my way out!”
But yes, I soon realized I was so wrong. Things continued to spiral downward. The drugs no longer gave me that Neverland feeling of no worries, and Peter Pan wasn’t coming to save me. I craved more and more. I couldn’t get enough, and I lost myself again, but in a completely different way.
In a split second, everything can change. That emptiness I had always felt and the awkwardness of never fitting in finally illuminated something inside my soul. I could ~ SEE ~ myself. I realized I wasn’t weird, ugly, selfish, or horrible, as so many had said. Finally, I understood there was nothing wrong with me at all.
When I fully accepted who I was—every tiny inch and corner of myself—I became free. I no longer cared what others thought. I no longer sought approval from strangers or doubted my worth. I did the inner work, and it took years—so many years—but it was worth it.
Now, I’m drug-free. I’m judgment-free. I’m free from all the bullshit. I’m healthy, and I’m getting married to the most beautiful man in my life. I’m happy, truly happy—and that’s okay. I deserve it. I saved myself. And so can you. Never give up.