I did not grow up in an environment where we could receive love, be loved for who we were. One had to perform, to be different—but better. I discovered what it meant “to be in search of recognition, to be loved.”
As a child and pre-teen, I cultivated my thoughts and my reading. I accumulated experiences and anecdotes like a vast library, yet without a family portrait. An immense desk where the wisps of cigar smoke drift. I took great pleasure in art and literature. I discovered what it meant “to be rich inside.”
In adolescence, I discovered that I could be loved, adored, or desired. I discovered seduction, and the waves that two bodies could create together. I discovered the kisses of men on my skin, and the marks of bites on my neck. I discovered friendships, sudden bursts of love, and the nuances of relationships. I discovered what it meant “to be surrounded.”
As a young university student, I discovered monastic evenings buried in syllabi, the silence of doubt, and the gentle music of sleepless nights. I discovered evenings with friends, from one home to another. I discovered that being alone with oneself could mean good company. I discovered what it meant “to be sufficient unto oneself.”
Then, still a student, I discovered my partner. I discovered love, and the one who would share my life. I discovered the adversities of life as a couple, the nuances of “I love you,” and the sharing of oneself. I discovered what it meant “to be loved, to be two.”
As a young adult, I discovered the inner workings of companies, the mechanics of politics, the ratio between performance and presentation. I discovered that the other was a missing part of oneself. I discovered obligations and respites, responsibilities and dreams to keep alive. I discovered that loving or being loved was not so simple—that everything must be earned, and that one must fight, focus on what is worth it. I discovered my flaws, my humanity, and that of others. I discovered that one must be aware that our choices belong to us, and that they are our sole responsibility. I discovered what it means “to be responsible, to be forgiving of our mistakes.”
And tomorrow, I will learn again.
I look forward to it.
I have discovered a thirst for life.