D] Almost for my entire life, I was living in a city close to Barcelona. In my adolescence I visited Barcelona very often. Without even being aware of it, I was looking for LGBTIA, queer, or dissident people. At that time it was difficult for me to socialize with new people if it wasn’t through the internet; at school and in the streets it could be complicated being a queer person, so I guess I was looking for new connections outside my daily life to feel less extraneous to the world.
Later, as an adult, one of my friends began to transition as a trans woman, and she invited me to accompany her to an event organized by a trans association. At that time I had no idea about the trans reality and I didn’t even suspect that I was also trans, but that day something began to stir inside me. A few years later, when I was 22, I begain the transition myself.
And I understood the reason and the importance of having connections with people who make you feel safe and to be able to share the joys and challenges of our lives.
A] For a long time I thought that enjoying sexuality was not for me and I always tried to hide myself from others. After gaining some confidence (years into my transition) I have come to enjoy each touch and intimate moment. It is a feeling of grandeur, seeing my body unveiled, enjoying another person’s bare skin embrace. My shiness faded away as I learned about pleasure and affection. At first I was paralized by the thought of “showing” myself during sex, and I felt a big sense of disconnection and detachment. Then, as I understood it was okay and I met new people, my confidence boosted and this feelings faded away. I don’t think there was an uh-huh moment or a specific sex encounter where I made the switch from feeling undeserving or unsuitable to feeling welcome and sexy and letting go during sex. It was probably gradual and step by step. I remember though, a day some time ago I could not sleep, so I decided to go out and meet two men, I have never met before, in the middle of the night. Arrousing. Fucking. Curiousity. So much pleasure. And with strangers I had just met- and yet it was such a natural encounter. I remember going back home, reconciled and fullfilled.
I can say I now very much enjoy intimacy. I still sometimes struggle, but I have always believed I could not have evolved emotionally and personally as I have- had I never met all the people I have come across. That is, being able to explore queer relationships– connection and intimacy.
