Sometimes all it takes is one person, one meeting, for everything to change forever.
I arrived in Brussels in September 2019, sick as a dog. Very happy to see most of my friends again, this pleasure was spoiled by a permanent stomach ache and fatigue which gave me no respite. I discovered the city at the rhythm of my breaks, I tried to ignore this constant exhaustion, to enjoy the end of summer in this new city which would be mine for the 5 years to come.
January 2020.
I’m getting worse and worse, my health is deteriorating, the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I can no longer get out of bed. I gradually let go of my classes, I no longer go out, I no longer see many people. My body no longer responds as it used to, I no longer recognize it. He becomes thin, fragile, sick. I decide to go do tests, all the tests, as many tests as possible. I want to know what’s going on, this knot in my stomach that won’t go away, which has gradually transformed into discomfort. It has to come from somewhere.
It was on January 24 that I learned the news that I had HIV.
Shock and relief at the same time, I try to digest the news. I know I will get better. I know that I will be taken care of and that my condition will improve. I know that this is not an end in itself, that I will take treatment and that my life will return to normal, but I am not getting better. The physical pain becomes mental and I sink. This is the beginning of my wandering. All means are good to try to think of something else. I party, I fuck, I do a lot of drugs and sometimes I mix it all up.
It’s one meeting too many.
That evening, I am at an orgy. We have a lot of sex. We consume. Then this guy comes. All stoned, I find him nice, rather cute, the flow goes. We spend the evening talking, kissing, time seems to stand still. In the early morning, I accompany him to his place to continue fucking. Kissing, kissing again and again, being obsessed by it, not knowing how to stop, finding every way to continue, not listening to yourself, putting aside fatigue with substances. At that moment, my body is there but my head no longer responds and he takes advantage of it. Completely at his mercy, he injects me.
RUSH – HEAT – EXCITEMENT – OVER-EXCITATION – TRANSFORMATION
I transform into a kind of beast, governed solely by its thirst for sex and depravity, my head has really left my body, I am no longer Emilien. I am no longer a person.