I trully fell in love for the first time two years ago when I was 32. It’s been the most beautiful and traumatic experience of my life.
We had a short relationship of 9 months. It was passionate and I was feeling happy and complete… but he was the one who made all decisions. That’s why our relationship was destructive at the same time.
When we broke up, my entire universe collapsed and I had a huge depression. I was sad everyday and my life was completely meaningless. I took many stupid decisions, making things worse and disappointing my friends. I even left Belgium for 5 months, going to Geneva for a job I didn’t like.
I think I can say that I’ve been nobody during the entire year following this breakup. It’s a traumatic experience, being completely empty inside, unable to feel anything but sadness and pain. I made a promise to myself: I will never experience this again.
I’m back to Belgium now. I spent a lot of time focusing on myself, thinking about the reasons why I wasn’t able to handle this situation. I was scared by myself, discovering that a man can have a such power on me.
This relationship deeply transformed me. Today I’m 34, I don’t know if I’m a better person, and to be honest I don’t think it’s the right question. Who has the right definition of what a good person is?
But what I’m sure of is that I know myself better and I have accepted who I am and my demons. I think I’m a more authentic and stronger person now. I actually wasn’t allowing me to be happy and I was lying to myself, in name of … what?…expecting myself and my boyfriend to be perfect? I changed that.
I don’t want to expect anyone to make me feel complete. I want to feel complete by myself. I want my next relationship to be different. If one day I have the chance to fell in love again, I’ll be loved for who I am, and I’ll love him as he is…
In December I left my Financial Director job in order to work in programming, which is my passion. Working in IT really thrives me. It’s a new start and someday I’ll create my own concept.
I’m coming back from really far away. To know itself is a long process, and you never perfectly achieve it. We live only once so don’t pretend to be someone else, truly accept who you are, avoid toxic people and live the life you want.