My heart stopped beating on March 26, 2019. On a Tuesday, on my way back from a weekend in Berlin. I don’t remember if it was rainy or what I ate that day, just a song by Pierre Lapointe that I had in mind when I opened the door on the 4th floor. 

What followed became blurred, the minutes, the hours, the days. Looking at the sun one afternoon, I realized it was May. I’d lost weight. I wasn’t living, I was walking among people without any purpose, I was empty, feeding a void with men, excesses and tears.

August came. I met a boy. He was into poetry, soft and soothing. One night when we split up after a few Negronis he held me back to kiss me. He fixed me, as my heart was laid bare. We have spent some startling moments. Broken ones get along.

I started to do something I’d never done before. I listened, I listened to my friends’ stories, their stories and worries, without any judgment, most of the time I learned people don’t give a shit about your opinion. They like to share and to feel some empathy. I followed a training in non-violent communication. I met my therapist. I read spiritual texts, became interested in astrology and energies all around us. I wrote a few emails to people who had betrayed me or with whom I had acted badly. 

I’ve tamed that little inner self with a guy I met one cold night of October. We let our instincts and my libido reveal themselves. Together we don’t talk about love but we maximize the surface of skin we can share.

For a while I wanted to meet someone from my former life to check if people could see how much I had changed, but I no longer need validation. I know I’ve changed.

I don’t know the man I’ve became yet, I’m a bit scared sometimes. I still have old reflexes that hit me and they don’t suit with the actual me. Sometimes I still act like an asshole. The difference is that now I know I don’t have to be like that ceaselessly.

Throughout this year I have surrounded myself with a circle of friends that I wish to everyone. Our parties are legendary and we can also sit and be silent together. This is a priceless gift. The people I’m meeting fit into my world with disconcerting ease. They talk to me about connection, contribution and kindness, those words were meaningless before.

2020, a little less on the edge of the cliff. I let 98592 hours of past happiness become memories, a part of me that no longer destroys me but nourishes me.