“I remember how nudity used to feel impossible, threatening. I would have nightmares about undressing in public, vivid detail about how people would look, point, be disgusted. The fear originated in part from inherited values (the body is shameful, sex is disgusting), and in part from lived experience (peers commenting on nascent body hair and other adult characteristics in highschool and asking “it’s gross, you’re planning on removing it at some point right?”). I deliberately avoided wearing a swimsuit for years from my mid-teens, hoping my family would not notice.
Things changed as I became sexually active, and once I moved to Luxembourg. The realisation others could view my body and feel desire shifted my perspective. I started deconstructing my own assumptions about beauty and attraction. In the small country I moved to, I discovered water and relaxation spaces require you to be nude. My stomach twisted when I read this, and I remember thinking for days “I have to try this”. The approach for my trauma has often been shock therapy – cannot express yourself in Spanish? That’s fine, move there and take five classes in Spanish that you must validate in the next five months.
I think many people confuse sex and nudity. Put simply: we do not eschew clothing only for sex. And sex can very much happen with clothing on (hello to my fellow kinksters). Once I was able to unlink the two concepts, I started feeling my freest wherever clothing is optional.”
