There I was, waiting at home for a stranger to come over just for sex, no coffee first, no hanging out in a bar, just as simple as that, just two guys who felt the attraction to each other and were about to heat up the room at my house.
A knock on the door and my heart started to beat faster, that feeling, that nervousness filled with excitement and a bit of fear (Am I doing right? Will I like him? What if I don’t?), that feeling, even now, being much more self secure and having more experience, I still have every time the door bell rings.
Then he came in, small chat, maybe a beer or too, and I tried to silence those voices of fear in my head and just enjoy the moment, feel the sensuality of it, his smell (the smell of a man’s skin is something I discovered those days that drives me crazy), the curve of his neck, his lips.. Somehow in that moment I get absorbed by those facts and suddenly no more nerves, no more fear, just desire.
Even though I’m a bit shy I tend to take the first step, maybe because it’s better to make a move than to stay in this intensity for any longer. And when I kissed him, just as it happens every time in that situation, everything else went away, it’s just us and our bodies to discover and enjoy, his neck, his tongue, his dick, every inch of his body was a playground now in which I wanted to be bad and dirty, passionate with all of that.
It might be something incredibly normal and ordinary for every gay at my age, when I was 34, for me it was something new and exciting. Before my relationship with my ex, which lasted almost seven years, I never had much interest in casual sex. I had many self imposed boundaries in my head, fears and rejections, probably due to a painful experience with a teacher who physically abused me when I was twelve.
I think I haven’t really made the connection with that issue until this past year, but it makes so much sense now. I didn’t feel pleasure when penetrating, and was really scared of feeling pain when being penetrated. I enjoyed sex of course, but much less as I do it nowadays. With my ex I discovered pleasure in sex in every way, I felt relaxed and shameless, and after we broke up that made me realize how much I had to experience in life, how much I had to enjoy and try.
It started with that guy, don’t remember his name or how he was by now, but it opened a door to new ways of enjoying my sexuality with pleasure, passion and most of all, freedom. These days my sexual life is complete and full of experience, every time I met a guy since that moment of change I just focused on my desires and his, finding pleasure in his body and his mind, because sex isn’t just about touching and kissing, it’s also about fucking the other person’s mind and wishes, about discovering where in the map of his body is the right place to be and where mountain could be a volcano and making it burst into flames.
I have no shame now, no fears, no insecurities, just the will to give and receive, to exchange and to find the right words of the language that two people can speak with their bodies even though being complete strangers. Making a connection with another guy, even being only physical, discovering a new body, finding out where to touch, buttons to press to make him sweat and explode, is something so exciting and pleasant every time that makes me regret not having discovered it at my twenties, but every one has its own path, and I’m making mine worth living it.