Not there yet
The first two photos I received from this photoshoot made me feel weird when I looked at them. In one of them I was getting fingered and in the other one I was in a doggy position. They were hot, no denying, however, knowing it was me in those photos gave me an uncomfortable feeling. I felt ashamed.
During the photoshoot I realized that I am much more comfortable with frontal nudity rather than showing my ass. While giving poses where I had to expose my ass openly, I found myself consumed by thoughts of others seeing these photos. I felt judged by them for being in a submissive position. Which I assume was my self-judgment.
I usually don’t share my position in sex anywhere other than Grindr. Many people assume that I am a bottom, from the way I look and behave. I never correct them, because for me correcting them might be an indirect bottom shaming. After all, we usually correct misconceptions that downgrade us, don’t we?
Where I come from, society’s got these toxic norms, which heavily influence the gay scene too. Being a top is seen as being less gay. On Grindr, you’ll see profiles with “only top”, “I only fuck”, “I don’t kiss, I don’t suck, I fuck”, “no fem”, “only masc” etc, feeding into these stereotypes. The nudes they ask for are photos of your ass, as if wanting a dick makes them more gay.
I initially thought that the reason for the discomfort I experienced was that I am not used to these positions or it does not necessarily represent me or my sexuality. It was a comforting thought, a way to justify this discomfort. However there was a deep hidden feeling of shame. Shame of being in a submissive, less manly and “humiliating” position.
I used to think that I overcame those barriers in my mind and defeated my internalized homophobia. This experience helped me to realize that ,unfortunately, I am not there yet and still have a ways to go.
