I arrived at his house to find three people naked in bed, tangled together, while the guy who invited me was fully clothed. He wore white underwear and a tight pink tank top that seemed too small for him. His appearance did not match the pictures I had seen; he looked worn out, as if drugs had taken a toll on his face, giving it an unhealthy and broken appearance. I inquired about placing my coat with the others, but he was unsure as it was not his house. Despite his uncertainty, I proceeded to remove my thick black leather jacket, which contained my keys and AirPods, purchased in Stockholm.
“It’s very warm. I love wearing it in Berlin, even though sometimes I feel like I’m carrying it around,” I thought to myself as I hung my jacket in the small corridor and made my way into the host’s room. The room was average, with a brown leather couch in the shape of an R, an Ikea table with a candle, and a bed with a flannel of naked men on it. As I entered the room, the men’s flannel broke, and a tall, muscular, blond man coldly indifferently tells me “I’m the host” and goes to the kitchen, followed by another guy who smiles and says hello before joining him.
Feeling a desire for attention, I found myself already naked with the third man in bed. “I don’t even know if I’m attracted to him because I didn’t have time to think. I was already naked because I have a narrative to maintain, to convey that I’m a sexual being, that I exude sexuality,” I reflected silently as the guy who invited me took out a cigarette and asked if I also smoke. I told him I’m just quitting and maybe later I’ll smoke one with him. Then he left, and I remained with this man I didn’t know, in bed. I already understood that I’m not attracted to him either, but I kept touching him and letting him touch me.
And in that moment, amidst the tangled bodies and the hazy atmosphere of desire, I realized that perhaps the attention I sought wasn’t found in the physicality of the encounter but in the deeper connection that eluded me. With a sigh, I gathered my belongings, slipping back into my leather jacket, and quietly made my exit, leaving behind the transient intimacy of the night.
