Am I a pervert?
“I come here because I am a masochist” I said to my psychologist the first time I visited him. I don’t know why I used that word. I am not sure what I tried to tell him. I suppose I wanted to highlight my “abnormal sexuality”. Maybe my intention was to state that my turbulent mental health was a result of my ‘sexual problem’. To be honest, I believe that I intended to utter that I am a sexual pervert; somebody whose sexuality needs to be fixed.
But, what is sexuality? I believe that I will never understand. I find myself unable to provide a convincing answer. Is it pleasure? Is it a biological release? Is it a psychological relief? I don’t know. For me, sex was always a guilty pleasure. A compulsion such as cigarette and marihuana. At times, I contemplate how life would be without the omnipresence of the sexual instinct. Other times, I believe that it may be better for me to be sterilized; to free myself from the burden of lust. The lust for masculine men, with dirty minds. Why I have this insatiable lust? Why I long for a hairy masculine leg or a sweaty armpit? Why I am thirsty to drink a man’s spit or piss? Why I crave to smell his foot and lick his boots? Oh my God, am I a pervert?
I remember the first tape I watched from the video club was with leather daddies. I was 13 and I knew what makes me horny: The punishment and humiliation of a leather daddy. Am I a pervert? Do I have psychological issues? Are my fantasies a construction of a trauma? Do I have to solve something or just enjoy? Am I a deviant who enjoys abnormal sex?
But wait a minute, what is exactly “abnormal sex”? Does it really exist? And if this is so, I must ask “does the opposite exist?” Does “normal sex” exist? Is there a normal desire for example? Who can tell me? Who can deter me from my fantasies? Nobody is the answer. Even if I were imprisoned, I couldn’t stop craving for my punishment of my leather daddy.