It happens every time I meet someone. My heart races and for a moment I wanna run.
I have had this major inferiority complex since I was little. I think everyone is better than me. More successful, happier.
I was bullied throughout my school years. I was also not a good student. These two don’t go together. You can not be struggling with popularity and with lessons as well. If you did there was no place for you anywhere.
So that happened to me. I was estranged. No one wanted to hang with me.
I didn’t belong.
In school, kids didn’t want to hang with the weird gay boy and at home, my parents were always let down by my grades and my overall performance, they were really supportive and loving parents but I could see it in their eyes.
For a really long time, I had no one. Until I realized I didn’t need anyone.
This went on to follow me in my about life as well.
The bullying stopped of course but the idea of me hanging with people for a long time is still a concept in the works.
I do not trust easily and I can’t hold on to a relationship for too long.
After a while I want – I need – my alone time.
It’s like “wow too much interaction alert! ABORT! ABORT!”.
It’s hard to know that I cannot even be mad anymore with the kids, the teachers, even my parents that put me through all that. Since they are not the same people anymore but at the same time, I still am the one with the burden. Sometimes I want someone to punch. Someone that I can hold accountable.
Therapy helped me a lot. My doctor saw all these things and put me in a group. Great people. But sometimes inferiority kicks in there too.
I guess I am mostly afraid that I am not enough and that if I am not funny or seem carefree and people will leave me aside again.
So I still to this day – 32 yo – protect myself by trying to be alone as much as possible and also self-doubt myself when I meet someone.
I wish I could close this later with a “happily ever after” conclusion but I still struggle.
The thing is that I know I have been loved by the people I selected being with me.