I remember downloading tinder during the 3rd year of my Bachelor’s in London and saying to myself ‘hmm let’s do women AND men’. The first ever guy I kissed – he was also Greek – was such a revelation. It was like a tide of suppressed emotions and passion and sexual energy were being unleashed. I remember the first time we had sex, I made him cum 4 times. I explicitly remember him telling me “wow, you’re so passionate”. I shrugged it off with a laugh- I felt almost exposed by the comment. Like he was seeing through my passion, deconstructing it into its more raw and bare reality: a yearning cry for attention, (male) affection, and a journey of self-identification. That’s why I kind of fell in love with him I guess? (spoiler alert, it was unrequited). In a (sub)conscious way I associated him with my own sexual liberation.
Except for the school bullying and the internal conflicts and self-hate, I’d say I’ve had a quite privileged ‘coming out’ story. My family has been (mostly) supportive, most of my friends are queer, and I guess I’m lucky to be part of a generation where LGBTQ rights have crossed a tipping point of societal acceptance. I’m still figuring out my queer (can I even use that term?) identity, oscillating between self-referential, narcissistic camp, and serious political, intersectional struggles. I often catch myself holding LGBTQ people (including myself) to higher standards (and judging them accordingly) – like you’ve been through oppression, you should be more empathetic, politically active, environmentally aware. Not sure if that’s right – another thing I’m figuring out.
I feel there’s something transgressive, fleeting, fugitive in (shared) queer joy that I know I would never want to give up. I would never want to have things another way. At the same time there’s this rootedness manifesting as community, solidified over shared trauma and glitter. Love and rage. I feel like I have so many questions still unanswered, from the ’simplest’ stuff like what does your “bed role” say about you psychoanalytically, to the more complex stuff, like this constant tug-o-war between wanting to belong in a society that you ultimately reject (and it rejects you).