I was born in the west of France and by the age of 12, I already knew I wanted to move to Paris. I was fascinated by the city, its freedom, its endless possibilities. I knew that it was where I was supposed to live the start of my adulthood. I did everything I could to make it happen. When I was 20 I finally made the move. I was craving new experiences. I was curious about everything. I wanted to meet new people and explore my sexuality.
I had been with girls until then, but secretly knew something was off. I didn’t really know until I met an older guy at a party in Paris and instantly fell in love with him. It was so powerful. I had never felt such a strong feeling for someone so quickly. Maybe it was even too much for me to handle? Too intense.
We saw each other again. And again. He was 14 years older than me but I really didn’t care. I loved him. We had sex all the time, we couldn’t get enough of each other. His hands on my body made me feel at home and I always wanted to feel his skin on mine.
After only 8 months being together, we decided to live together. We had sex everyday. It was amazing, but something slowly started to feel off. I knew such an intense relationship could be dangerous. Toxic even. There was so much passion, but it also meant some kind of dependence. I started to feel trapped. Trapped by this relationship which was too much for me, I was losing myself. We loved each other very much but we were not good for each other. Of course it ended. It ended miserably. In pain and tears and even violence. He couldn’t handle it and I still see him spitting on my face when I was finally brave enough to tell him I was leaving. It kind of destroyed me at the time.
Each relationship makes you question yourself, learn about yourself, and grow. It’s part of the journey. What a journey.
