I was six years old and I asked my mom “When are we leaving?”. She said, “in a minute”. My question might seem innocent, that I was just bored to be in a supermarket, that I just wanted to go somewhere else. But it’s not. The feeling of fear and extreme anxiety was present, in that open space, full of people. The necessity of running way from that place too.
Runaway boy, as my first sexual experience with a man called me, at 18, because I would always disappear after the sex and wouldn’t reply or want to meet until weeks later. We met several times. On the last one I knew it wouldn’t happen again. He was starting to like me, and I was starting to get known. Never been good to let people know me, mostly because I always think I’m not worthy.
I’ve always been an introvert guy. Anyone close to me knows that I’ve always liked to be on my own, as a child I got used to it and enjoyed it, and now too. Music has been always my favorite inner world, it’s the only thing that shuts down that inner voice. The problem is that you won’t be able to lead a better life because of this constant need to be alone, because it gets tiresome being around people and the constant voice in my head telling me I shouldn’t have said that or have done that.
I’m 30 years old now and the constant anxiety is still here, just as it was back then. I’ve learned a few tricks to tune it down as much as possible, but it never lasts long enough.
I try to live as best as I can, me being close to people that I trust helps a lot. It feels like I can be myself with them and the need to escape fades away.
After the break-up with my ex (my first and only relationship since 21). I felt alone. The void was killing me inside, saying that if I couldn’t make it work with him, I would never be able with anyone else.
It was the first time in my life that, the feeling of loneliness was too much to handle and it hurts tremendously.
My family was always there for me, I can’t complain, but along the years I’ve started to notice that we only come together on holidays and other few occasions. I too am to blame for this, for not making an effort to be together with them more often. They didn’t understand that I wasn’t well and replied my messages the way that they always had.
So, what could I do to fill this void that was left? Opening up my heart and communicating with others face to face wasn’t easy for me, it never has been. So I focused my all being on music and photography, social media helped me stop thinking that I was all alone, giving me a connection to others that I could control at my pace.
I’ve never been comfortable with my body, always behind the camera taking pictures of everything or everyone else. One year ago, I started to focus on me, exposing myself to the camera and to the world. In the end I was not looking for approval but a way for me to express what I was feeling and connecting with myself in a honest way.
I tried to be the most vulnerable as I could on my photos, and some people took notice of that. Even thought most of them just focused on my legs or naked body. They assumed I was just showing off. I only told my stories to a few people. As others have inspired me, I just want to be me, on a simple photograph.