What is this crap? Where does it come from? I feel like I can’t fall in love. I’m only interested in guys who, in the end, just hurt me. Love and fear, for me, are the same. Fear that things will get serious, fear of suffering. What’s the point?
Lately, my view on relationships has changed. I used to dive in without thinking. I lived in the moment, body and soul, unaware of the world around me. Like Lamartine says: “When one person is missing, the whole world feels empty.” How horrible. How pathetic, to bet all your well-being on one person, giving them so much power over you.
Today, I see relationships as journeys. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes tough. The line between serious and casual is blurry. It’s a spectrum, as they say. The more you advance, the more you reveal yourself. The more you share, the more vulnerable you become. Can you be strong and love at the same time? Will the other always be our “weakness”?
Pushing away those who get attached and getting attached to those who push us away: isn’t that the recipe for failure? Sticking to a cynical view of love just to say “I was right”? I’m not alone in this. It’s a vicious circle. Feeling bad is easy, it takes no effort. Moving forward, that’s hard. It takes courage.
In the city, we’re a bunch of young gays, full of desire. Some are shy, others confident. Hookups, in general, are simple. No need to reveal yourself. It’s visible, mechanical, measurable. Feelings are something else. I’ve had hookups where it was more comforting to just hold each other. No pressure to perform. In those moments, you let go, the pressure fades. How many men have found release in my arms, breathing deeply like before sleep. Finding the comfort of coming home, of relaxing. It’s a harder happiness to accept. Pride pushes us to never fully reveal ourselves. And when some do, I push them away. And I perpetuate this vicious circle.
Should we say stop? Dare to take the plunge, even if it means suffering again? Let time heal our fears? Stop worrying, stop creating problems where there are none? There must be other ways to feel alive, right?
