I am twenty years old and still I am not feeling my age.. I was raised in a slum area of Istanbul. Although we didn’t have much, I can say that we were much happier back then. “Being gay” was not part of my identity. I was a serious kid loving to play soccer, basketball..  I spent almost all my time with other kids on the street.

I remember my elder brother always wanted to keep me at home and didn’t allowed me to go out whenever I wanted. He would be take away the cool clothes that I liked to wear. Despite all obstacles, I always found a way to run away and did not hesitate to lie when needed, because it was required for my freedom. So later I became very persuasive when lied about being gay.

It was high school years when I started to loose weight and grow taller, when I really started to live and found self-confidence. I first noticed one of my teachers’ looks on me when I was in 11th grade. As days were passing, I was more convinced that he was trying to get closer to me. And he succeeded it!

He invited me for breakfast one day. None of us knew exactly that we were both gays at that time. After we finished our breakfasts, he found excuses to touch me and hug me. I could not out any word. It was the first time I was touching an elder. We touched each other intimately even though we were both dressed. And it was certainly something different. A big surprise for me.

Later I would get excited when I saw him at the school. I started to dislike Fridays as well because he didn’t work at our school on Fridays. So I decided to visit his house on a regular base instead. We were almost always together and in contact. Even if we did not contact for a single day, it felt like the end of the world. That was my first relationship which lasted for one and a half year. Through this relationship I learned more about myself, human relations, hate, love and Istanbul.