Back in 2017, I was confused about my sexual orientation. I kept struggling with the idea that I was attracted by men. I kept telling myself that it was not right, that I was a phase that would pass. I even convinced myself that men could find other men good looking especially when they represent a physical ideal they dream of. For a young adult hating his body, his short teenage shell, it was pretty easy. But I actually ended up with a lot of frustrations. I wanted to talk about it, to find someone I could be honest with, someone who could push me and accept me for what I truly was.

When I left France for an exchange program in China, I was so not aware of what those six months would actually mean to me. The first days I spent there surrounded by my friends were just parties and road trips. But when I took my first Chinese class, there was this guy in front of me, taller than me but still short, brown eyes, brown hair skinny, and wearing the same glasses Hugh Grant had in Notting Hill, and I felt something for the first time in my life. Something different. Something unexpected. And all the questions I kept telling myself just vanished. He was my solution, he was the answer.

It took me three days to get his number. We started talking, texting, seeing each other out of school, cuddling. The more I’d receive messages, the more excited I’d become. I was literally waiting for him to send me a text. Every single hour of the day. And within a month I would just do anything to spend time with him. I fell in love with him. We would act like a couple, talking, visiting, laughing, hugging, sleeping next to each other but no kissing. 

With this came the time to tell my friends and family and I thank god for that, they were the best. Some of my friends just acknowledged the truth they knew about years before I did and others, surprised, just accepted it. So I thought nothing was in my way now that I felt finally good in my skin. I decided to take a chance and speak truthfully to him. I wanted to share my feelings.

I actually did it when I was tipsy – guess I wasn’t really too brave to do it while sober. I shared my truth and he finally shared me his. He was already in an exclusive relationship for more than a month and I accepted that but why acting like he was single ? Why acting like we would mean more than just friends ? Was I just blinded by my feelings ? I felt like shit. Not because he was not mutual but cause I felt kind of played. 

And here’s the deal when you tell someone you are in love with him. You don’t keep seeing him. And for god sakes I was such a dummy. And I ended up feeling rage for his boyfriend. Even wanting to tell him how his boyfriend was acting around him. But that would not have been right. And with me asking myself so many questions about my feelings and why he was still spending time with me, I came up with a lame idea.

I was talking to this other guy – a bi guy. Tall, brown eyes, brown hair with a handsome smile. He’s the kind of guy you want to be around with. Always laughing, always enjoying every minute of daily life. He was not looking for something serious as I was not too. So I figured I could actually benefit this situation and see how my crush would react when he’d see us kissing. I know it’s a stupid idea but when you want to test your theories here come the shitty ideas. So one night when we were all out, I kissed him. 

As I was expecting, my crush was definitely not happy about it but I had to know. I had to understand what was going on between the two of us. Yet, he wouldn’t try to get me back. He would still hug me, hang around with me but nothing… no kiss. In the meantime, I started having a regular sexual relationship with the other guy but still my heart belonged to my crush. So I kept living like this. Enjoying my day time with my crush and occasionally hug when watching Netflix, and spending my nights with the other guy.

I thought it was fine. But when I got home. I heard nothing but silence. No news out of a sudden. I’d become a ghost, a memory. And ever since I have never heard of him. I felt used for months. I stopped dating cause I was looking for him in every guy I met. It was a long process but I came out stronger. Today, I have no hard feelings on him cause he made me realized what I was trying so badly to hide inside of myself. I am just thankful for those six months cause it opened up myself to the world, to the community I belong to and since then I met incredible people that are today true friends I can rely on. So thank you Y.