I always knew it, since I was a child. Mostly of the time I felt guilty because my father was expecting a lot of things from me. All the normally things, but what is normally? Getting marry, rise a family and children? I thought all the time I was a sinner, I try to use religion to clean that sinn from me, like ti be saved by God.
The thing is, all my family, my father mostly, know that I was gay since I was 3 or 4 years old, because of some clairvoyant told that to him. I grew up in a family who believe in witchcraft, and as my mother die, was a deeply trouble time for my father. I wasn’t rise by him, at the age of 8 went to my grandmother, and I was always around women, that was a worry for my father, because he was afraid that I will be turning gay in that environment, however he choose to being with his second wife and daughter, and I saw him once a week on Sundays. Our relationship was not to close as a regularly relationship father-son.
For him, I was a charge from a time who was marked him. But what about me?
All families have its own issues, and sometimes they are going throughout generations on so on. That’s the reason that I start to find approvals in other people. I was the best at school, I was a good kid and kind and brave. But it wasn’t enough to get the attention from that I wanted, and I didn’t know by that time. But at the end, I recognise, I was been there for me and not for the others and I understand, that no matter what happen, you have to cut all the negative experiences and do all the best for your own life. Your life don’t belong to others, it belongs to you. And you can do everything that you want, no matter what, you have to try all and see what the best for you is.
Years after, I decide to move to Germany. It was a dream since I was a child. Back to the roots. I leave my life in a country to start a new life in another. Everybody told me,that could be difficult for me to adapt me in a new country, but it was for me not so difficult as people said. Of course are a couple cultural shocks, but no something that can be so hard. Let’s say, it was al for better. Public transportation is efficiently as in Venezuela, all rules are followed by the citizens and its security on the streets. Here we all are safe as in another country. But people change its old problems for another. New language, new people, new situations. I can said, people here does not, that they problems are insignificant in comparison with others. Sometimes is hard to understand and people does not want to understand you, because you are not from here. Several times I got the feeling that people here thought, that I am from a farm or something like that, but it is not the fact. Instead I could said, I got pretty fast all things and moves about how it works everything at this side of the world, maybe because I alway follow the rules and try to do all the things right.
Sometimes I cannot believe things that happened here, people are in a bubble or conform zone, however shits happens. It is not a thing of a first or second class world, is a matter of how people are.
Let is said, Berlin is a multicultural city, where a lot of people come here, and that makes this city great, but however, people does not mix together. Another cities from Germany, is another tale, discrimination and classifications are always there. For me it was to easy to be inserted here, I have a very German name, and people are always surprised when they met me: oh are you Helmut? You don’t look like a Helmut. I thought you were another person. I think that was also one of my secret weapon here. When I was looking for a job, I sent a lot of applications and most of the time was invited to the job interview. All because a such German name! And I always had to tale my history, why I have a German name, why my grandfather leave Germany before the wall of Berlin. He leaves Germany in a country crisis, and I came back to Germany because another country crisis. I can said, life is a circle, everything will happens again but in a different way in another time and situation.