After my mother’s death, there was a kind of release, an end to the fear of disappointing her. It had been some years of slow decay, due to her cancer and, in hind sight, the reason why I never really invested myself in a relationship, too. She was someone born out of her time, with a very specific vision of how proper things should be. A very Victorian point of view on life and sexuality. Ended up ingrained in my head too, that sense of shame.
Some months later I met the guy who would be my partner for twelve years. We lived a great life together, through the hardships and the bliss. Sexually, although very happy, we never really explored much, keeping it very vanilla, maybe somehow due to both our conservative upbringing. Watching porn was a way to discover other desires, and despite we many times watched it together, we never really dared to go beyond our “regular” sex.
Maybe that was one of the issues that led to slowly things cooling down between us. I felt devastated, but realized we had come to an end. When we broke up, I started to explore. Never really searching for it, but accepting my curiosity I started going to the nudist beach, cruising. Being very shy, this was not easy to do, but the excitement of checking out other guys doing the same, turned me into a shy exhibitionist!
But, again, never fully realizing the desire. Or maybe that was part of it! Things that were like taboos, that I searched on the computer screen, or browsed over the apps on the smartphone, became experiences that I craved. Went to sex parties, to bathhouses, exploring my fetishes and fantasies!
Finally, I felt free to experience, living my sexuality without restrictions. Finding partners that helped me push boundaries, and discover new aspects of myself. Explore more hardcore and edgier aspects of sex! Being gay, there are always hurdles to overcome. What your parents expect from you, the role society wants you to fill. Through my sexuality I search for, and I found, my freedom!