I met him one year ago. With the first eye contact, we bonded. He became my best friend instantly. From that moment we couldn’t stop talking and seeing each other. Quickly our friendship took another turn; and during a party, he kissed me. At that moment I got scared. Scared because he was straight, scared because he was my roommate. Scared he had loved before, and scared because I hadn’t. For months we stayed best friends during the week, and lovers on week-end, breaking up every Mondays. At some point he got tired of it, he wanted to be with me, regardless the fact than I am a man. And I realized that I was even more scared to lose him than to love him. So I exposed my heart for the first time and we tried to be together. For months we played our role of perfect little couple; never fight, always respect. Discovering and exploring each other. I had a lot of trouble opening to him, but he never rushed me, was nothing but patient with me. We grew together for five months. My life was absolutely perfect, he made everything so simple. But regardless all the happiness, I still couldn’t find the courage to say « I love you».
One night, out of the blue, he asked me to come at his place. “I like you, I like our moments, but I don’t love you and never will; better stop now before you got too involve”.
I understood, and said “okay”.
A part of me died that night. I was so scared to love him that I didn’t realize he didn’t love me back. He was my best friend, he was my confident, he was my whole world.
He was my first love; and I’ll never be able to tell him « I love you».
When the first man I loved leaved me. I sunk. For two weeks I cried and stayed in bed. That is the only thing I can remember, everything else is blurry. When he leaved me, I had no envy, no need, and without even noticing it I stopped eating. For two weeks I didn’t eat at all.
When you stop eating, your body can sustain itself by taking from the fat, its own little reverses. But my brain, poor little brain, couldn’t. If you don’t eat, you don’t absorb the nutrients necessary to the conception of endorphin. And at that point you literally can’t be happy anymore. I drifted to a blurry ocean of tears and despair. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t realize what was happening to me. “Just a heartbreak, it will pass” I thought.
For two weeks, I wasn’t hungry, my body wasn’t weak, I didn’t feel the need to eat at all. I wasn’t depriving myself of anything, just I didn’t want to eat, so I didn’t. After 16days, I took my sweater off at a friend’s place, and she noticed I had no belly anymore. She forced me to eat something that evening. My stomach had shrank and couldn’t handle it, but she forced me to eat again, just a little. The next day, I woke up. And I mean, I really woke up. My ideas were finally clear. I was still in a lot of pain and sadness but I was out of the fog. I went to the bathroom and looked at my body in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. After that, I didn’t miss a single meal, but kept on losing weight. I guess my body was still in shock after what I did to it.
I lost 16kilos in 2 months.
Today I feel better, I eat, and I gain weight again. But I learned my lesson, I learn how quickly things can get out of hand without even noticing. I learned the value of food and good health. And I learned that my body is a precious gift that deserve care and respect. This photo-shoot is for my body.