Oh god. I hate talking about myself. Everything I say sounds shallow and unimportant. Maybe it’s because the image I present to people whom I don’t know is not the authentic one – the real me I’ve been keeping cautiously to myself so I don’t get hurt.
I’m not sure when this pattern of behavior started. Perhaps in primary school, where I was teased for being different. It might have been later on, when teasing became bullying, because my self-awareness wasn’t yet shaped by what others thought of me. Over time, not talking about myself became a form of self-defense. If you don’t say anything, there’s nothing about you they will pick on.
Anyways. My life is pretty good. I can’t complain a lot. I have people around me who support me in everything I do. People who, even when I say silly stuff, won’t roll their eyes, but will laugh because they think I’m actually quite funny. It’s important to feel the acceptance of your community, as that’s when your defenses go down and you allow yourself to feel things.
I still notice some patterns that need correcting. But changes don’t happen overnight. That’s why we need to go into the world, experience things, and teach ourselves to love, even when it seems impossible, even when it seems like we’re not capable. Somewhere down there, there is a spark in all of us, no matter how timid and weak. And once that spark lights up into a proper flame, you won’t be the same.
