I remember the first time I saw those blue ocean eyes and that smile that could light up the whole world. I remember the feeling of looking at him and being next to him, you know When you feel you won the lottery? That’s how Lucky I was feeling. We could be together without saying a word, I could just be myself, with no worries, not thinking “should I do this? Can i say that?”, people used to say that we were so good together, so cute and that we were meant to be… but were we? Like Lana once said “sometimes love is not enough” and I guess this was the problem, When we were good, we were good, without questioning anything, but on the same hand When things were supposed to be bad, they were… I guess we can call this love, true love, not the ones we see in Disney movies, Where everything is beautiful and colorful. We passed through a lot but I was never afraid because I knew we were together and in the end, everything would be fine, he was my “ride or die”, he was my Bobby…
He was the type of person that could build an army just to protect you, if I needed something he would go to Narnia to bring or solve it. He was capable to give me his hoodie if he knew I was feeling cold or hug me When I was afraid or anxious even without me saying anything. He was my safe place, my home, it was the first time I was having that Family feeling, it was me and him, this was our Family. Nothing is crystal clear, on one hand, he was this amazing person/ boyfriend on the other he used to have some secrets, some lies, a bad side, a side that few people knew about it, he had depression, a depression that he never took care to heal, because of this he used to smoke weed, not in a social way, he used to be really addicted to it, sometimes he used to wake up at 08h30 and smoke until 02/03 am, he was in a bad place, no energy to work, no energy to move his life and that’s was killing me inside, I was there seems the person I love suffering and I could do anything to help, I used to talk, show him my support, I tried a lot to take him from the place he was, but how can you try to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? I know how bad is this sensation of feeling alone because of the depression, I spent years of my life with that and I knew how destructive we can be with ourselves because of it.
All that situation made me really anxious, he was destroying himself and I was feeling really weak and stupid for not being able to help him. He could stay in one job for more than 3 months because he couldn’t find Jobs that would make him feel good about himself or something that he would love to do it. One day, he received an opportunity to go abroad to work in a big company on something that he loves, When he was talking about this opportunity, I could see the glow coming back to his eyes. I was happy for him, but I knew since the beginning that would be the hardest thing we were about to pass but I didn´t think twice, I said to him to go, I couldn’t let him stay here suffering, I wanted him to be happy, I still want this, so… I let him go. In the beginning, everything was doing so well, I could feel his happiness with the new work, he was stopping with the weed and was getting more focus on the good things in life. I was happy to see the love of my life happy again.
I was counting the days for him to come back and we could be together again, I thought everything would be good again, but I guess I was wrong… After a couple of months, he ghosted me, stopped answering my messages, my calls, he stopped following me on every social media, after 3 years, I have been ghosted by the person I was completely and deeply in love with, no news, nothing… it was like if I never existed for him and that everything we had together was nothing, I felt like shit and I started to become more anxious than I was, I started to feel a big emotional pain that I never felt before, because of this an emotional folder got open in my head. After that ghosting, I started to cut myself again, so the physical pain could be more Strong than the emotional one, but that wasn’t enough for me, after a couple of times that pain was nothing, I wasn’t feeling anything, I wanted more, I wanted to feel more pain, I started to do lots of things to not have to think about that or to feel that. I was drinking almost Every day, but again, after a few days, that wasn’t enough, so I started to mix pills with alcohol, I could see that I was destroying myself, but I didn´t care, I just wanted that pain to go away, my friends were worried about me, but because of the “breakup”, I guess we can call this, right? They didn’t know that I was suffering on that level, I was always good in hidden my emotions, it wasn’t the first time I was doing this, so lying to them was easy, I just needed to cover my arms and legs. I´m not proud of doing those things, but at that moment it was the only thing I could do to stop the thoughts, I didn’t want to kill myself or something, I just wanted the pain to go away, we all have demons inside us, some of us can control them, others, wait for the right moment to give them the Keys because they are to do tired of the fights.
I never heard from him after his last text, which is a bit comic because it was one big text Where he was saying how much he loved me and how Lucky he was since met me. What hurts me the most is not knowing what happened, why this? Maybe I will never get my answer. Sometimes, When I’m by myself I can listen to his voice in my head, the smell of his weed is still. Sometimes When I close my eyes I can see that smile, that blue ocean eyes staring at me. Now he is just a memory that still comes to meet me in my Dreams but at the same time, he´s just a ghost that comes into my nightmares to haunt me. It´s funny how can we miss someone that made us suffer that much. Don´t know if one day we will meet again, don´t know if he still thinks of me as I do with him. At the end of the day, I just want him to be happy and I will always wish him the best.