It was a hard time for me growing up in Jamaica. The country is very much homophobic, there are a lot of songs in Jamaica which speaks about killing gay and queer people, Being violent towards them and bashing them for being who they are. From a tender age of about 8 years old I knew I liked guys and I started to express my self as a child as how I felt. I was teased in my community for being too soft and having too much feminine energy. I constantly battled with trying to be my self and what others wanted me to be. I couldn’t express the true me , I had to conceal who I am because my families wouldn’t approve, friends wouldn’t approve. I couldn’t fit in with the masses and so I didn’t really have a lot of friends.
Whenever I had a feeling about a guy I felt disgusted, sick to my stomach because of all the negative things I would hear about people like me. I stayed to my self because i felt like no one could understand me. I was in a constant battle of denial of who I was. I struggled to accept the fact that I like guys but I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I had no one to talk to or tell how I felt. I started to explore my sexuality in my early teens. I resented every moment I ever had with another man but at the same time I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t control how I felt, I couldn’t help not exploring the side of me I hide from everyone else.
I met a guy when I was around 16 and at the time he was around 5 years older than I was. This was the first time I had intense feelings about another man. It was the first time someone had ever showed me that much compassion the way he did both sexually and emotional. Even-though, what we had was in secrecy it made me feel good to have a bond with someone whom I share the same preference with. The quality time I spend bonding at his apartment made me learn so much more about my sexuality and the lgbtq community. The moment I leaned in and kissed him, I felt the world crack open at my feet. His smile brought me so much happiness and peace. His touch send chills to my spine.
In that moment I know I was falling deep but I could not be rid my self of the negative thoughts and not being completely accepting of my self. The saying all good things must come to an end struck me hard as that was what had happened to my short lived relationship. I just wasn’t able to commit to having a guy as a partner due to my circumstance and the people who I surround my self with. I was also very insecure about my self and given our age difference I could not be with him fully as how I wanted at the time. I had to break things off. Not being comfortable in my own skin was really hard to digest. This made my whole life depressed.
Now I’m an adult in my 20’s and I would say things are a little easier and better however, I’m not quite there yet. I’m still trying to find my way. I still sometimes live in fear of who I am. I definitely am able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with accepting my sexuality. I am not yet out to the world but I am out to my self and no longer in denial. I am finally feeling peace at different stages of my life doing little things to embrace my identity and become empowered within my self. I’ve started a new journey in loving my self and appreciating every thing I once hated. Slowly I’m riding on a journey of love, laughter and self fulfillment. Slowly I’m becoming the person I was meant to be. Slowly I’m becoming the person I want to be.