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I am the second of 4 children. My older sister was an exemplary child, responsible who got good grades. My brother following is autistic and needed a lot of special attention. I was always the one in the middle, annoyingly shouting for attention. It quickly became my ‘stick’. I was a naughty kid with a big mouth but a really small heart underneath. On my report card it would always say ‘class clown’ and I loved this role.
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It grew to be one of my main characteristics. Even as a teenager, ( I was not the cutest), I could always hang with the cool kids, because i entertained them with my humor. I would make everyone laugh, but knew there was no place for my emotions. I had to hide them, be upbeat and always make everyone laugh.
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Over the years, I developed a sixth sense. I ‘feel’ people’s personalities very easy and know how to interact with them on their level. I can easily make friends when i want to.
It is both my gift and my curse. I get lost in trying to please people and forget what I want myself. Also in my relationships, I am thoughtful and attentive.
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With my last relationship, i thought this was IT. He is such a good guy and I loved him very much… But still I wasn’t getting the validation, I so hardly need. So I went looking for it elsewhere… and cheated. This destroyed everything.
After the break-up, i got into a depression. I realized my whole world had broken down and i was back at square 1. Again. I desperately tried to pick up the pieces again.
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I’m doing therapy now and slowly realizing that this could also be an opportunity. An opportunity to do things right this time from now on. To finally learn who I am and stay close to myself. I am worth it.