I am the second of 4 children. My older sister was an exemplary child, responsible who got good grades. My brother following is autistic and needed a lot of special attention. I was always the one in the middle, annoyingly shouting for attention. It quickly became my ‘stick’. I was a naughty kid with a big mouth but a really small heart underneath. On my report card it would always say ‘class clown’ and I loved this role.
It grew to be one of my main characteristics. Even as a teenager, ( I was not the cutest), I could always hang with the cool kids, because i entertained them with my humor. I would make everyone laugh, but knew there was no place for my emotions. I had to hide them, be upbeat and always make everyone laugh.
Over the years, I developed a sixth sense. I ‘feel’ people’s personalities very easy and know how to interact with them on their level. I can easily make friends when i want to.
It is both my gift and my curse. I get lost in trying to please people and forget what I want myself. Also in my relationships, I am thoughtful and attentive.
With my last relationship, i thought this was IT. He is such a good guy and I loved him very much… But still I wasn’t getting the validation, I so hardly need. So I went looking for it elsewhere… and cheated. This destroyed everything.
After the break-up, i got into a depression. I realized my whole world had broken down and i was back at square 1. Again. I desperately tried to pick up the pieces again.
I’m doing therapy now and slowly realizing that this could also be an opportunity. An opportunity to do things right this time from now on. To finally learn who I am and stay close to myself. I am worth it.