“I think we need to learn to love ourselves more” were the words that broke the 26 hr silence between us. He uttered them after returning from a city break where we got into an argument, resulting into silence. For me those words broke a spell and brought me back to reality.
After more than three years together, I found myself with someone who apparently didn’t know love, or didn’t recognize my self-love. Sure, some part of me was willing to venture out on this quest for love, but not while I was his second relationship alongside another which he had at that time for 21 years. If we go for this, we go 100% and all the way.
I was at that time finishing my degree at the university and had a job for three days a week at a university of applied sciences. Now that our relationship had fallen away, nothing much kept me in the city of Utrecht. I’d always wanted to live in Rotterdam and within a month I moved into the perfect loft in this raw and vibrating city.
The subjects of love – and freedom – have always been important to me. A special and dear friend at the time, shared Fromm’s The Art of Loving with me; I instantly fell in love with it and even nowadays I share it with potential love interests. It provides a great starting point to explore the subject. I got additional input and inspiration from listening to many hours of Osho talking. Somehow Riri was more on the money with her song about finding something in a hopeless place.
I always knew I was a lover more than anything; and I’ve gradually learned expressing it in all my endeavours better and better along the way. Looking back it seems only natural that this would culminate in sharing intimate tantric massage sessions, which to me are an overflowing of love energy. In that respect you could say I need my clients as much as they need me.
My love for freedom has led me away from a life that became more and more artificial, restricted and unnatural. Love and freedom led me instead towards a life that is more natural, grounded, connected and simple on the Canary Islands. I still have some roots in Rotterdam, but Canary life allows me to explore other dimensions such as sungazing, health and my tantric massages.
And yet my relationship with love and with others remains a paradoxical one. One of my first two tattoos captures this perfectly; two penguins together in a comradely embrace with the text “Ü & I. Edge. Nowhere.” just like atoms; we’re so close, yet we never touch… but are always entangled.
