“I wish I was more outspoken but the words are out of reach.”

one of my favorite lyrics.

I was never someone who was good with words, who could express his feelings. I was always shy and socially insecure.

I have often been told I have to change that. Do I really have to change? Or do the others have to accept who I am? I have always tried to fit in and not stand out; because of fear exposing myself, of failing, or not being accepted by others, of not belonging to a group. The greater the fears and doubts got, the more I withdrew and tried to work it all out with myself.

Do I have to change or do I just have to accept who I am? Love myself, my body, my character. 

Through art I have not only found my way back to myself but also to a community in which I can develop freely. I have discovered my body newly.

At first I was very concerned about the photo shoot. What would people think?

Do I even look good enough? Am I not too fat? I’ve compared myself to others. It was a very big obstacle to get undressed in nature and be photographed. But at the same time I realized how liberating it is. Thoughts are free of fears and doubts. What counts is the here and now. No more fear of what people might think or say when they see the pictures. It was a very exciting, liberating, new experience.

Home! Is home tied to the place or to the people you love, boyfriend, family and friends who support and accept me. I often got asked why I stay in my hometown and don’t move to a big city in order to develop myself freely. I don’t think it is because of the place, but because of the most important people who live there, we accept and support each other. It is also a question of security. I find it incredibly difficult to free myself from the thought of not having a steady job, no regular income, but to live independently from my art. Is that even possible? Is it possible to pay the bills with creating and selling art? Can I make a living creating? Is my art good enough? Could I deal with new situations, or is it easier to carry on as usual?

There we are back to self-doubts. These have influenced a large part of my life and still do. This is probably my biggest task: to free myself all my fears and doubts. Not to put myself under pressure to be perfect. Does it really make me happy to have a steady job just because of a regular income? Or is it slowly eating me up?

I guess that remains to be found out.