I always felt like I was kind of struggling in monogamous relationships. I would sexually think and possibly want more people than my partner. Sometimes, even the thought of my partner with another guy turns me on. And I like to have sex with intimacy so having sex with more people doesn’t necessarily mean that is just sex and no strings attached. I even had sex with my friends.
One of my first relationships was with this guy, we were together and in love and just went to cruizing beaches or to the sauna and had fun with other guys. I don’t know why but we were always playing only and never had sex with other guys. I was so much in love with him I was watching him in slow motion, but still seeing him sucking other guys for me was beautiful and arousing. That was the only time I experienced that.
After that I was always trying to be open and communicate that I like being in an open relationship. Most of the times, the reaction was that I felt less for them since I wanted open sex relationships. Then I felt guilt and stepped back. But also, these guys probably didn’t pay too much attention to what I wanted. It’s hard to realize that you want something different than the most accepted thing from society, so it is easier to feel guilty that there is something wrong with you than accept that it is ok to like more than one guy.
At some point I was with a guy that due to an unfortunate event we were sexually uncomfortable for some time and was also the longest period of monogamy in my life. I didn’t want that but I cared about him and the guilt that I wanted something wrong brought me there. That and the lack of communication about our feelings and needs was a bit of a step back for me and the mentality I had so far.
Then I met this Spanish guy. The Spanish guys I have met so far are the coolest. They bring out this be-your-true-self-with-me feeling and they have no expectations. He was also into an open relationship, we came to a point where we were discussing our feelings, our needs, our kinks or about our experiences or feelings with other lovers we had. He even suggested to me some books, I read all this theory and researches about polyamory. He helped me realize that it was ok to be open in sex and still have feelings and care about the people you have sex. I could have sex relationships with more than one person, but even intimate relationships. It’s not an easy thing to do, and it requires a lot of communication and care, but I still want to explore more on that. I am still open to anything, even monogamy but maybe with more than one person.
A recent experience was with two guys I met last summer, I met a couple from Spain when I was on holidays, we had fun in the Island and then I met them in Athens after the summer. We went out, the three of us had drinks and danced like crazy. They were married and actually I admired their relationship so open but also so solid. I had one of the most amazing nights. (What really impressed me is that the whole night we had lines and drinks with only one, the other one wasn’t drinking but that wasn’t awkward at all.) We went back to their place we fucked and slept, me in the middle with two large guys next to me. In the morning, I had sex with each one of them while the other one was sleeping next to us. Their openness made this experience one of the best I had, not only sexually but in the way we were intimate between us and the connection between them.
So, I am trying to be open and honest with my lovers, sometimes it can work, sometimes not and that is ok! It would be boring maybe if we all wanted the same stuff.