I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship with primary partner for 8 years. We were really inseparable at first, doing everything together: dinners, parties, travels, festivals, friends, lovers, etc. This lasted a few years.

At some point, some things make you realize that your partner or yourself can grow different taste and needs. For us, it started with parties and festivals: I would have like unlimited energy and motivation to go, and my partner would rather stay at home hacking radio waves and repairing old electronics. It then continued with creating new intimate relationships as a couple: while he wanted to focus more on his existing friends, I would prefer to engage in new encounters.

After years of effortless, perfect sync, it represented some kind of challenge all in a sudden. For me, it was not in the effort to go towards the other’s need, but in the fear of wanting some things and experiences that my partner wouldn’t want to share.

For me, being more than one in a decision always makes it easier to undertake. It’s not just about the shared responsibility in case of failure, but also about humility and self-confidence in our own judgement. I do apply this to my daily job – trying to be a leader which consults and sincerely cares about my colleagues intelligence for all decisions that have an impact on any of them. However, for personal desires, such collegial process isn’t really possible, unless you find people that want exactly the same things as you, which I discovered would eventually not last.

After that, many decisions based on my desires alone, was accompanied by a pack of second-guessing, lack of confidence, feeling of out-of-place, and sometimes the eventual guilt of abandoning the people you love.

A temptation then: bury these desires and sacrifice them for perpetual companionship. You can all see how that would not end well 😉

It took me a while, and many sessions of deep internal questioning, to just realize that it was OK to part ways for some moments in our life and reunite for others. That this didn’t meant the end of a perfect relationship, but rather the evolution into something event better where each one could explore individually and return grown and fulfilled in our couple for other activities.

I also re-opened forgotten personal challenges and created new ones, such as going to a party I’d like to join with absolutely no-one known there, or take a few days alone after a festival and learning to enjoy having no company et all for a moment, or going remote working in some country I always wanted to live in a for some weeks.

I’m still in that journey now, leaving my home for the afternoon and riding my bike to Chris’ hotel. Not like last year with my 2 other lovers, just me this time. Am I doing this because of the eventual look of others through the camera? If this desire parting me of my relationships, or at the opposite brings me closer to them being happier? Let’s try to forget all this for a second and take this time to actually enjoy some self pleasure. Simultaneously very personal and shared with the world.