I’ve never considered myself to be attractive. Always the fat kid for over 30 years, fighting with my own sexuality, never confident about showing my naked body to others. Always felt that I’m judged for how I looked like, the amount of fat, the unattractive body to everybody, I hated myself so much that I didn’t care about myself at all. Someone told me that with age men mature and they are more attractive. I still think that’s true but I can’t really envision myself there.
I wanted to accept myself when I was younger rather than now. I’m working out like crazy, spending 2-3hours at the gym 5 times a week to feel better, forget about the problems. That’s my remedy. But still having a special someone that makes me feel attractive is something that builds my confidence. Spent almost 8 years in a toxic relationship when I was never enough no matter how hard I tried.
Now I’m feeling more confident, have a fantastic boyfriend that doesn’t judge me, and I can finally be myself. And my body seems to show the happiness. How is it possible that my mind still tells me – you’re not enough? Will I ever be satisfied with myself? Will I ever be happy with myself? Not sure I will ever answer this question nor I think I will ever look good enough in my own eyes.
In my previous relationship I got cheated on. Several times. There was always someone looking better than me, behaving more manly. I was never manly enough. There was always someone who was bigger down there, who was more muscular, who had more sex drive, who didn’t have work to look attractive because with minimal effort they looked better. With every guy my partner cheated on I felt it was my fault, I wanted to be like them, wanted to do the same things, to save a relationship, not to be alone. The fear of solitude struck me. But even though I’m in a better relationship now, it still kinda strikes me. Will I become less attractive?
And up to this day I’m still not sure if I need to still workout or forget about the diets and trainings. I’m not the cheater and I don’t want be cheated on. I believe in monogamy but I still want to be attractive to my partner, to myself and to others looking at my in the street. When being a fat person half of your life most people look at you with disgust. Now when I feel someone’s sight on me, I still have doubts – is it because they’re disgusted with me or maybe they think I’m good looking.
That’s why it’s better sometimes to workout till you’re extremely tired and stop thinking. It becomes easier. But when I’m alone with my own thoughts, the mind still keeps telling me – am I looking good, have I become fat, am I attractive, I hate myself, I like myself. No matter how hard I work through those thoughts, they constantly reappear.
I am very self-conscious about my body. Thin legs, big stomach, a lot of fat percentage, but I have managed to adapt that my body represents my sins from the past. All the overeating, my father’s comments indicating I am fat and that I will not achieve anything in life. But I know that whatever my father told me before he died was that I would not end up in the same life as he had. Up until this day, I am not sure if he was still happy with the life he managed to set up, but for some reason he believed in me more than other of my siblings. Before he died he told me that I should take care of my mother, make sure she’s okay. He was never personal like that and that kind of made me feel that I was important in his life and he had extremely big requirements from me.
But that’s a cliche. Every gay having a difficult relationship with their fathers. Still, it made me who I am today. He also said, multiple times, that I should be more active, not sit all day long and watch TV or read books. But men never talks about their emotions. Being with a group of people is always difficult. I always feel people judge me by the way I look, way I dance, behave. How can I be comfortable with myself? And after all these multiple cheating? I mean, if you love someone, do you actually cheat? Or do you talk it out first and when you’re not happy, you break up and
then have you own free life.
I still find it difficult to believe that it is easier to find sex than an actual relationship. After a breakup from e relationship that lasted over 8 years I had to go on over 15 dates in just to meet the guy, who has the same approach as me. I proposed, he said yes, which made me the happiest guy on earth, but for some reason, I am still thinking if I am good enough. It is horrible, to feel like that. It is all because of the past. Because I was never good enough! Not masculine enough, not muscle enough, not big enough. A happy relationship is the one you do not have these thoughts.
Surprisingly, I am happy now. My siblings accept my partner, so does my mother. Don’t have to fight with who I am. Happy being gay, happy to be in a monogamous relationship. I am a traditionalist. Happy to have this one special guy who shares the same mindset towards relationships as me. It still makes me believe, I will accept my imperfect body… which will always be imperfect no matter how much effort I put into changing it.