I am doing quite alright. I graduated in social care and decided to create my own job.  With my own project “Beyond perception”. Now I work both as a photographer and personal assistant.

Last year my ex-boyfriend and I ended the relationship we had for 2,5 years. It was my first long relationship. Therefore, it’s difficult to let it go, although rationally I am sure we’ve made the right decision.

In this relationship, I’ve experienced things I’d never expected myself to feel or do. After 1,5 year we both felt a bit locked up while wondering how it would be to have sexual experiences with someone else. We opened ourselves to invite another to have a threesome. We both enjoyed it so from time to time it repeated. I even began to think that a monogamous relationship might be a fairy tale. I started to feel an openness to polygamy/polyamory.

Anyhow … after we broke up, I installed grindr. In the beginning it felt super liberating to meet other guys but after a while I felt so indifferent about it. Last year I fell in love with someone and it was then that I realised that I didn’t want an open relationship while I was feeling super in love with this guy.

It made me think … maybe I’m not that polyamorous after all, or certainly not in the beginning of a relation. Its more something to ‘learn’ …step by step … it’s about building on a relation you have together … discovering the other and yourself on the path you walk together, I suppose. It grows on you while being reflective and open. To me a strong emotional safety is needed to even think about exploring.

With the social distancing for 2 months, the feeling of indifference became even bigger towards gay apps. The first week of “lockdown” I felt like instagram, grindr and gayromeo were exploding with LUST, sexual desire, cam sex, sexual photos and videos.

I went along with it …and sometimes I enjoyed it but after a while I felt so deeply sad about it. When I see people using devil emoji in the chat… it personally leaves me feeling worried and indignant. Mostly because I DO look for some real and personal contact where I can be intimate with someone. I remember watching porn while having tears in my eyes. I realised I was hurting myself so much by unconsciously following my sexual lust. In the end, lust is not what nourishes me.

I decided to uninstall grindr. It still feels so nice not to get messages every day starting with “hey …”  to then “Top, Bottom? What are you looking for? You want to fuck me? What do you like?” or seeing unasked dickpics…. (sighs)

It got me feeling so disgusted and “frustrated“about what is called “normal” to gay society.  Is this normal? I ask myself. Maybe, this is just not how I feel about it.

All I know is that I am a sensitive guy, you can even call me a romantic … the kind of person who is always looking for deeper valued contact with others and myself.

While being a sexually active person, I feel unsure about how I deal with my own lust… Not being on grindr anymore leaves me unsure as well about how I can meet guys in general without going to gay bars for example. How will I deal with this duality inside myself? Sexual desire versus feelings; “a real connection is so much more important to me”. I really hope there must be some other way to get in touch with other men. Not necessary in a sexual way but more in a way of meeting, exchanging, loving and caring, being open to see each other as a worthy human being ….

Also, I am super curious about how other men feel about “normalisation of sex” …  I mean how they REALLY feel, deep down, inside themselves. Besides the sexual desire, which I also have, there is so much more depth in us being humans. That’s what I look for. I ask life and myself, to show and teach me something different from what I experienced before or have seen as “normal”.  To reveal the deeper underlying meaning of the desire.

I am trying not to go black or white on this matter but trying to stay in a colourful zone.

I am here, open … to experience what truly fits me and feels fulfilling.